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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24015484">Moving Out and Moving In</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds_in_winter/pseuds/birds_in_winter'>birds_in_winter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Study, Ezri-centric, Fluff, Gen, Healing, I literally wrote this fic for one scene but it got out of hand, In this house we love and appreciate Ezri, Season/Series 07 Spoilers, Vignette</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:54:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,121</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24015484</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds_in_winter/pseuds/birds_in_winter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After arriving on Deep Space Nine, Ezri moves into Jadzia’s old quarters. The familiar setting helps her understand Dax’s past life, but it also makes it difficult to establish her new life aboard the station as a distinct individual. In order to make the best of her situation, Ezri must deal with Jadzia’s baggage as well as her own, both literally and metaphorically.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezri Dax &amp; Benjamin Sisko, Ezri Dax &amp; Elim Garak, Ezri Dax &amp; Jadzia Dax, Ezri Dax &amp; Kira Nerys, Ezri Dax &amp; Lenara Kahn, Ezri Dax &amp; Martok, Ezri Dax &amp; Odo, Ezri Dax &amp; Quark, Ezri Dax &amp; Worf, Ezri Dax &amp; the O'Briens, Julian Bashir &amp; Ezri Dax</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. No Time Like the Present</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: A lot of season seven episodes have no stardates attached to them, so I chose to be a bit vague on the chronology to make Ezri’s integration into the Deep Space Nine family seem a bit longer as opposed to how immediately she was accepted on the show.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was only a few hours after arriving on Deep Space Nine, that Ezri walked into Jadzia’s old quarters for the first time. She hadn’t been thinking about where she was headed, too weary to stop herself from instinctively making her way to the habitat ring and punching in Jadzia’s room code. The door swished open and she stepped inside, making her way towards the center of the room as if she had any right to. If there was anything to be grateful for, it was that Ezri’s muddled memories had taken her to Jadzia’s bachelorette pad, rather than the quarters she had shared with Worf. </p>
<p>As Ezri took in the room for the first time with her own eyes, she noted items big and small strewn about in an organized clutter, some boxed, and others simply sorted out. A wave of borrowed nostalgia filled her as she came to recognize things she hadn't thought of in months. As the initial joy waned, she thought of how interesting it was that Jadzia had been married to Worf for seven months and hadn't ever finished moving. Even though there was no pressure to move out as more people were moving off than on these days, Ezri would have thought Jadzia would have been further along at least.</p>
<p><em> “There’s a war going on... between the time I’m resting and the time I’m on the Defiant, I don’t have any left to finish moving,” </em>explained a voice in her head that Ezri had come to recognize as Jadzia. </p>
<p>“You always liked living in the moment huh?” Ezri murmured, walking towards the golden-framed window. She pressed a palm against the viewport, feeling the coolness of space despite the layers upon layers of transparent aluminum between her and the vast expanse.</p>
<p><em> “No time like the present, </em>” responded Jadzia cheerily.</p>
<p>“No time like the present,” Ezri repeated. The hopefulness she sensed from Jadzia made her feel melancholic. Jadzia had run out of time, there would be no more present for her, at least not in the conventional sense.</p>
<p>Ezri sighed and rubbed her hands over her face, one of them cooler than the other. She closed her eyes, and attempted to banish the negative thoughts that were becoming more invasive by the day. In the darkness however, the movement of the station began to disorient her, so much that she forced her eyes back open despite her eyelids feeling too weak to open.</p>
<p>The toll of the day was finally getting to her. She hadn’t slept well since joining with Dax, but the journey to DS9 had pumped her with enough adrenaline and excitement to stay conscious. Now that she was here and had received her lukewarm reception, she found her energy sinking down to a point where even walking towards the exit of Jadzia’s quarters seemed impossible. Even if she did have enough energy, where would she even go? She hadn’t been given a room to stay in, and at this point she doubted she could wait long enough to be assigned one. </p>
<p>As she let out a yawn, Ezri wondered if they would assign her these quarters if she were to accept the position of station’s counselor. If they asked for her opinion, she didn’t think she’d be able to decide. The counselor within her felt that since everyone was clearly struggling between grieving Jadzia and welcoming her, she should make an effort to distinguish herself, at least for the time being so that they could gradually heal. That being said, Ezri was at an absolute loss as to who she was at the moment, and it was still a struggle to assert herself amongst all the personalities advising and opinionating about how she could best deal with the situation.</p>
<p>One thing she was certain of though, was that this room was the most familiar and comforting place she could think of that still existed. The room had several small touches that were familiar to different parts of Dax. Emony’s favorite incense wafted from the corner of the living room. The white couch was reminiscent of Torias and Nilani’s living room and was decorated with pillows that Ezri thought she’d like herself, but were also similar to the cushions on Risa that Curzon liked so much. Most familiar however, was the long coffee table, lightly layered with dust, that reminded her of long nights going over reports with only a cup of raktajino, wondering if it was too late to barge into Benjamin’s quarters and eat dinner with him and Jake, knowing they’d never turn her away, no matter if she was Curzon, Jadzia, or now Ezri. </p>
<p>Even though this was her first time in this room, she knew it was home, a place where she could be herself and work it all out. The welcoming nature of this space is probably what made Ezri set down her suitcase atop the table and lie down onto Jadzia’s old couch. Despite her tiredness, she preferred the couch to sleeping in Jadzia’s bed, the thought making her more than uncomfortable. She’d have to change the bed sheets later, or maybe even the entire bed depending on if she wanted a firmer or a softer one.</p>
<p>“Don't get ahead of yourself Ezri, I’m only visiting,” she told herself, fighting the urge to add 'for now' at the end. With that in mind, she focused on the present and turned her body towards the window, watching as ships came and went from the  sliver of Bajor in the bottom corner of the viewport. She didn’t know when, but eventually she closed her eyes and found dreamless sleep. </p>
<p>When she awoke the next morning, it was to the sound of a chime. Benjamin was on the other side welcoming her to his place for breakfast.</p>
<p>In the end, there was never a discussion of where she would stay once she had decided to remain as DS9‘s counselor. Everyone who needed to know where she was living already knew where to find her by the time they wanted to visit, and if they had any issues with it, they never voiced them.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Tongo Wheel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Part One: Moving Out</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was during Ezri’s second week on DS9 that she finally felt it was time to begin addressing what Jadzia had left behind. The first week she had been doing the opposite, wondering where Jadzia’s house plants were and why her favorite mirror was missing from its spot above the shelf by the door, before she recalled they were the first to go into the shared quarters.</p><p>Attempting to recall these things was a helpful exercise as it helped her figure out how to recall specific memories whenever she needed them. This was especially useful as she began to clean the living room, remembering where the cleaning supplies were so she could wipe the counters and coffee table. She had sneezed quite a bit in the process, but the room seemed to have a fresher feeling to it after she had finished. </p><p>Alongside the memory practice, Ezri had also been attempting to better discriminate and ultimately suppress the thoughts and feelings of Dax’s former hosts when she wanted to concentrate on her own. That being said, when she laid her eyes on this particular item, she couldn’t help but feel two lives worth of amusement pass through her, leaving her smirking.</p><p>Atop the coffee table was Jadzia’s personal tongo wheel that she used whenever she and Quark wanted to play outside the bar. Ezri remembered how she– no, Jadzia –had gotten it from Quark when he thought he was going to die and how he had asked for it back after it had all been resolved.</p><p>
  <em> "About my tongo wheel…" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "It's not your tongo wheel. You gave it to me, remember?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "I know that I 'gave' it to you, but at the time, I…" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "I'm not giving it back – and that's final!"  </em>
</p><p>And apparently it <em> had </em> been final, as the evidence sat before Ezri now.</p><p>If she were to be honest, she never found tongo interesting before being joined. She watched quite a few matches during her childhood when she would sneak out of the house and wander about the docks, but had never played it. She learned through Jadzia and Curzon’s memories that it was the sociable nature of the game more than anything that made it fun.</p><p>She recalled their laughter and ridiculously high wagers, the echoes of conversations past making her feel a bit restless in response. Despite the hour, Ezri left her quarters and headed towards Quark’s. The bar was near closing but she entered anyways, spotting the Ferengi instantly. Quark was serving up Cardassian Sunrises to a couple of ensigns but upon her arrival, Quark shot Ezri a toothy smile and she did her best to return it, her hand raised in greeting. </p><p>She gravitated towards the front and picked her spot by Morn who she had introduced herself to the other day. Morn opened his mouth to greet her when Quark cut him off.</p><p>“So Ezri, what brings you here?” Quark asked. Morn took a sip of his drink, seemingly unoffended. </p><p>“Taking a break from cleaning,” Ezri said, scrunching her nose. “I’ve been sneezing since this early afternoon.” Quark dried a glass off and stacked it on top of two others to form a pyramid. </p><p>“Why don’t you hire a cleaning service?” </p><p>“I don’t know, I wanted to do it myself, I guess. It helps clear my mind.” Quark nodded as </p><p>he dried another glass. This time he placed it in a cabinet. An awkward pause filled the conversation.</p><p>“So do you want anything?” he asked simply. Feeling panicked to respond Ezri said the</p><p>first thing that came to mind.</p><p>“I'danian spice pudding?”</p><p>“You got it,” he said, punching in a code on the replicator. When he handed it to her,</p><p>she said her thanks and ate a spoonful of it, closing her eyes at the cold rich taste.</p><p>“It’s great, Quark,” she said. Quark smiled, polishing the counter. </p><p>Apart from Benjamin, Quark had been the only one who welcomed her aboard DS9. However, in some ways he even outperformed Ben. While Ben went out of his way to assure their relationship wouldn’t change, Quark had given her the option of if she wanted to continue from where Jadzia left off or if she wanted to start things off fresh. While Ezri didn’t entirely want to leave behind the friendships Jadzia had begun, she still wanted to add a bit of herself in the friendships rather than just inherit them. In that sense she was grateful to Quark for allowing her to decide and even for being the first to suggest she stay aboard.</p><p>As she hit midway through her pudding, she pivoted her barstool to look at the sparse crowd. The few people left were either seated at the last dabo table open or in the very back huddled in small tables. In the past few minutes, Morn had left, placing yet another meal on his tab. Quark’s employees were beginning to stack up chairs, giving a small nudge to everyone that the business was closing down soon.</p><p>“You want anything else before I power down the replicator?” Quark asked. </p><p>“No thanks,” she said, turning back around to face him. She watched for a bit as he served up some last minute drinks. The promenade was so quiet, only interrupted by the occasional yelling of Dabo by the three people still playing. </p><p>“Hey Quark,” Ezri began, “You still have that tongo streak?” He seemed startled by her mention of the streak but recovered quickly.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m up to 240,” he grinned.</p><p>“Are you just that good or are you purposefully playing with people who are bad,” she joked.</p><p>“Well I played against Jadzia, so you tell me,”</p><p>She hummed and thought it over. “Something tells me she was letting you win,” she teased. </p><p>“She didn’t.” he asserted before hesitating,”Did she?” She kept her poker face for a solid ten seconds before cracking up.</p><p>“No, she didn’t… but you still owe me 10 strips of latinum so she must have been somewhat good,” she joked. Quark scoffed playfully before returning to a more casual expression.</p><p>“So what about you? Are you any good at tongo?”</p><p>“I’ve never played but I’ve watched quite a bit,” she said before briefly explaining her history with the game.</p><p>“Well I’d invite you to play sometime, but by the sound of it, you don’t seem very interested.”</p><p>“I’m not, but maybe I’ll find it interesting once I try it.” Though it may have sounded unconvincing, Ezri was serious. She wanted to see how much Dax had influenced her and if she would find herself loving a game she’d never really liked. </p><p>“I’ve got a tongo wheel in the back, we can--”</p><p>“Would you like to come to my quarters instead? I happen to have a tongo wheel.” Ezri didn’t know what inspired her to blurt that out, but any worry of being awkward faded when Quark responded in the affirmative.</p><p>“Oh of course,” he said. “Just wait for me to finish up here.” After he finished up some minutes later, they walked to her quarters and upon arriving, she heard Quark’s breath catch at the sight of the tongo wheel on top of the coffee table. </p><p>“You know where this dent came from?” Quark asked, running a finger along the rim. Ezri opened her mouth to explain before Quark continued. “When my brother Rom and I were children he fell onto it… what's funny was that the wheel was barely a month old when it happened.” Ezri pressed her lips together before smiling.</p><p>“Actually Quark that dent’s from me tripping over the table three days ago…” she moved his finger to one right to the left of it. “The one Rom made is here.” She had originally left it on the floor until she tripped over it, falling so hard that her downstairs neighbor rang her com and asked if she was alright. She had placed it on top of the coffee table three days ago, serving as a daily reminder of the past.</p><p>“Never thought I’d find a commonality between you and my brother but I can’t argue that you’re both clumsy.” </p><p>“Alright alright,” Ezri said sitting down. “Let’s get down to business.”</p><p>They each wagered 10 strips of latinum, Ezri knowing that if she lost, it’d mean Quark didn’t have to pay 10 strips back that he owed Jadzia.</p><p>As they played, Ezri found herself not enjoying the game for it’s strategy as much as it provided her a chance to connect with Quark and see him try to get the best hand despite Ezri having no skill in this game whatsoever. As Quark was nearing a full consortium, Ezri accepted her defeat and began to speak her mind.</p><p>“You know Quark,” she began. “I wanted to play this game to see if it would help me realize a hidden side of myself I didn’t know about. Part of me really wanted to find myself enjoying this game so that I could continue to have fun with you like you did with Jadzia. But another part of me was afraid that I <em> would </em> like it, because I don’t know if I’d be able to tell if it was truly me or Dax…”</p><p>Quark looked up from his cards, “So what’s the result?”</p><p>“I don’t like tongo… it’s boring,” she laughed lightly. She lowered her gaze down to the wheel and smiled. “So because of that… I’d like to give the wheel back to you,” she said. Quark looked at her, dumbfounded.</p><p>“Are you sure?” She imagined she was probably breaking a rule of acquisition right now.</p><p>“I’m not going to use it, and it’d be a waste to have it collect dust.” Quark went out to reach it when a smile came across Ezri’s face. “But in order to have it, you have to do something for me.”</p><p>“What is it?” he asked warily.</p><p>“You have to promise you’ll find a game we both like to play.” She paused, “Playing this game made me realize that I want to keep having our little game night Quark, but I don’t want to just play a game I’ll find boring.”</p><p>“It’s a deal,” he grinned toothily. He stood up and so did she. He held the tongo wheel in one arm and stuck out the other towards her. Ezri smiled and shook his hand.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Costumes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From what Ezri could understand, Jadzia hadn’t liked Garak; Any amiability there could have been was hindered by the persistent and lingering suspicion surrounding him. Had Ezri not had Jadzia’s thoughts at her disposal and instead seen their relationship from the perspective of an outsider, she may have thought it odd that there wasn’t much of a relationship between them. Both were outwardly jovial but could be serious when the situation called for it, and both found a friend in Julian. However their similarities were what ensured their distance. Jadzia would never let her guard down towards someone she considered a Cardassian operative and Garak would never underestimate Jadzia and her seven other lifetime’s worth of experiences. </p>
<p>When Ezri had been asked by Ben to counsel Garak, Dax set off alarm bells in her head. She was barely able to sort out her own emotions and now she was being called on to assist Garak of all people with his? But apart from alarm bells, Dax was abnormally quiet. Compared to all the feelings and memories she received from Dax about everyone and everything on DS9, Garak was a near-blank slate. It was a welcome feeling, one that she acted on impulsively by agreeing to help.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the blank slate didn’t work the other way around. Garak, like everyone else on DS9, had preconceptions of her, of how she was supposed to be. The fact that Dax was now in a new host was something that likely put him on edge. Especially when that new role was a counselor who wanted him to drop his carefully tailored persona. </p>
<p>He had made it hard on her, comparing her to Jadzia in ways that made Ezri feel lesser. He had done it as a defense mechanism but that didn’t excuse it. Neither did the fact that his words were what made her finally take action to voice the discomfort she had felt in being compared to Jadzia.</p>
<p>Thus as she walked onto the promenade towards his shop, she made a firm resolution to not act as if all was forgiven. Her mission was one of diplomacy, to give him a chance to start anew. A <em> small </em> chance. </p>
<p>Unfortunately the clothing she was hauling over her shoulder was anything but small. Jadzia hadn’t left much clothing in her old room but what was left was heavy and difficult to carry. On her way to the Promenade, Ezri had gotten many offers of help but she’d turned them all down. She had to adjust her hold on the clothes at least three times, once after nearly slipping, but she was determined to do it by herself. </p>
<p>Eventually she made it into Garak’s shop. She took a moment to look at the colorful clothing all around her. Garak was an aficionado for costumes and dresses, though his slacks could use a little work which was why they were located towards the back corner. </p>
<p>Despite Jadzia’s feelings about Garak, she knew he was a talented enough tailor and always commissioned him for her holodeck costumes as she  hadn’t liked the feeling of wearing holographic clothing above her own uniform. She had also gone to him regularly for small little adjustments or fixes for clothing she wore off-duty. </p>
<p>His back was turned to her. She assumed it was on purpose because he had begun to hum a light peppy tune. He was in the middle of folding some Vulcan-style head coverings at a small table. She noticed he kept refolding them, unsatisfied with the way they ended up. </p>
<p>“You need help with those?” she asked, making her way over. Garak shot up from his bent over position, in feigned surprise. He spread his fingers dramatically apart as he flicked a scarf back on the table. </p>
<p>“Ah, Counselor! Good evening,” he greeted. He sized her up briefly, his gaze stopping as soon as he saw what was draped over her shoulder. “Doing some spring cleaning?” he asked coyly. She glanced at the clothing she carried.</p>
<p>“You could call it that,” Ezri said nonchalantly. Garak approached her, his hands reaching towards the clothing she held.</p>
<p>“Oh, may I?” he asked, politely. Ezri handed him the clothing all too eagerly and he set it down on the countertop. His eyes widened in recognition as he laid them out. Before him were draped three outfits with mixed origins. The first was Jadzia’s green dress with gold accents from the Camelot holosuite simulation that Garak had made for her. The second was Jadzia’s replicated command red dress from when she visited the Enterprise. The third was her coat and skirt outfit from when she had been stuck on the 21st century Earth. Garak had seen all of them at one point or another, Jadzia having asked how to mend or clean them before Garak practically insisted on doing it for her instead.</p>
<p>Ezri saw Garak’s eyes dart from one piece of clothing to the other, seemingly mesmerized upon seeing them again. When he remembered Ezri was there, he seemed to grow sheepish. </p>
<p>“These once belonged to Jadzia, yes? I suppose they’re much too long for you to wear, hm?”</p>
<p>“You’d be right,” she said simply. Jadzia had been about 30cm taller than she was, which was something she was just getting over. When she had first arrived at DS9 she kept marvelling at how tall everything seemed to be before realizing Jadzia had just been tall. Garak looked at her expectantly, shaking her out of her thoughts.</p>
<p>“So what would you like me to do with them? Alter them to your height? Recycle them in the matter resequencer, upholster them to some furniture?” He had said the last suggestion rhetorically but Ezri didn’t think it was a bad idea. She shook her head nonetheless.</p>
<p>“I’d love for them to be altered, but 6 inches would destroy the detailing.” Garak nodded at her comment, agreeing. Garak raised a hand to his chin in thought.</p>
<p>“Would you like me to recreate them for your measurements? I may say though, that it would take me a bit to recreate the 21st century clothing due to the techniques used at the time.” Ezri shook her head.</p>
<p> “No, as much as I love these clothes, it’d feel like I’d be playing dress-up… I came here because I was wondering if you’d like them to sell.” Garak seemed taken aback by her suggestion, insulted for her. She didn’t know if she should take that as a compliment. </p>
<p>“Sell them?” he asked almost dumbfoundedly. “I could but… I’m not sure how in-demand outfits from the 21st, 22nd, and hrm… 15th centuries are.” Ezri smirked at that.</p>
<p>“Well Julian and Miles ask you to make stuff for them all the time, I’m sure there will come a time when a 183cm tall person will come to you looking for a costume for an Enterprise holosuite adventure.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps,” Garak responded. “Tell me Ezri, it seems like you’re eager to take your hands off of these, would I be correct?”</p>
<p>“You would.”</p>
<p>“So you would insist I take them, even if I have no need for them?”</p>
<p>“Absolutely,” she responded dead-pan.<br/>
“Ah well then, I guess I have no choice but to accept them… I suppose I’ll make them into scraps and sell them as dishrags to make profit,” he said woefully. Ezri inwardly winced at the thought but kept her face even.</p>
<p>“I suppose you will,” she said pitifully. They held one another’s gaze for a while, both feigning some sort of sadness. Eventually Garak broke into his signature smile. </p>
<p>“You’ve gotten good at acting Ezri. Have you considered becoming a spy?” Ezri snorted in response. “Now then, I’m sure I can find a place in my shop for them. Perhaps we’ll be able to start new trends.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Ezri smiled. She began to turn away when he clasped a hand on her shoulder.</p>
<p>“You know Ezri, I will feel <em> just </em> terrible if my humble shop becomes famous without you. You must allow me to repay you.” It was an invitation of sorts, at least what Ezri could recognize. She nodded in faux-seriousness and thought it over. </p>
<p>“How about this,” Ezri began.”If I ever want to go down to the holosuite, I’ll come to you with some costume ideas. In fact, maybe you can make me one for a Trillian history simulation I’ve been dying to try out.” Garak grinned.</p>
<p>“I’d appreciate that Ezri. You don’t know how boring it is to look at old Terran military uniform references.” They exchanged a knowing smile. </p>
<p>Perhaps this was the beginning of a new friendship.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Klingon Earrings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At times Ezri swore if she looked up misery in the LCARS database, she’d find Deep Space Nine referenced somewhere in the entry. The station was devoid of warmth no matter where she looked; The Cardassian gray of the station was drab and oppressive, and the Starfleet officers staffing it wore uniforms to match. </p>
<p>While the USS Destiny dealt with war on the frontlines, DS9 had its own unique problems, a very <em> strong </em> emphasis on unique. Looking merely at her friend’s problems, there was simply nothing mundane about them. Julian’s cynicism was a common symptom of long term imprisonment, sure, but his status as an augment brought complexities regarding how he dealt with the picture perfect memories engraved into his mind. The O’Brien’s had been living out of suitcases for weeks now, ready to evacuate at a moment’s notice, and Nerys and Odo’s arguments regarding the founders had taken a turn for the worse. Then there was Benjamin’s role as Emissary that hindered his ability to care for Jake and Cassidy. And then Worf was well... <em> Worf </em>.</p>
<p>It was because of all of this, that Jadzia’s memories of peacetime on the station became a sort of escape for Ezri. It wasn’t that the issues were any less complex back then, but she felt her training had better prepared her for those than the ones she faced now. The Deep Space Nine of Jadzia Dax’s memories were just as gray, but there wasn’t a war going on. Instead, there was hope on the horizon. Ezri saw a smiling young Julian, green and ignorant to the cruelties of war. She remembered Keiko’s effort to provide a place for the station’s children and Miles stressing over Cardassian voles ruining his hard work. She’d recall Kira and Odo’s understandable reluctance to accept Starfleet’s presence, over time loosening up and beginning to trust. Most vividly, Ezri witnessed the slow healing of Ben and Jake’s hearts as they grieved the loss of the most important woman in their lives.</p>
<p>She knew it wasn’t good to glorify the past, but it provided a momentary escape from the otherwise inescapable dread. As it was, Ezri was booked a majority of her day counselling people from topics ranging from anxiety, grief, and anger to post-traumatic stress. It had gotten to a point where she and the few other counsellors were so swamped with appointments that they resorted to paying Quark to reserve a spot in the holosuite to run the Emergency Counselling Hologram when they could no longer accept walk-in appointments. </p>
<p>Ezri wouldn’t trade her career for any other, but right now it was draining her. That’s why she decided to take a mental health leave for the rest of the day after ensuring the others could handle it. She practically ran to her room in anticipation, not waiting for her door to slide fully shut before she began to zip off her uniform, revealing her regulation tank top and shorts underneath. She was all too excited to lay down on her new bed that had finally arrived, and listen to an audio novel. In her haste, she kicked off her shoes rather than set them down like she usually did, and in a final burst of energy she strode towards her bed.</p>
<p>She heard the noise of her toe thumping against solid wood before the pain kicked in. She instinctively bent over in pain, leaning onto the bed as she held her toe in an effort to alleviate her affliction. As she processed the pain, she noted that her bed frame was made of metal and not wood, so she hadn’t stubbed it there. Ezri managed to sit down on the bed once the pain subsided, and wondered a bit annoyedly as to what had caused this. Knowing it’d be best to remove it now rather than have her toe stubbed again later, she bent down and reached underneath the bed.</p>
<p>Nearly hidden by its dark color was a medium sized wooden box. Ezri hoisted it up and noticed it had a Trill marking motif. She presumed it matched the markings Jadzia had, as boxes such as these were rather common gifts on Trill regardless of whether one had spots or forehead protrusions. Ezri had gotten a small one during her childhood when she visited relatives on Trill, but she had lost it at some point and never bothered getting another one.</p>
<p>She ran her fingers against the markings briefly before sliding the box open. The box was perfectly organized and sorted with little dividers which let Ezri appreciate every little thing before moving onto others. Inside were mostly holophotos and isolinear rods. None of them were labeled, but she had an idea of what each one was. </p>
<p>Ezri wouldn’t ever say this aloud, but she regarded Jadzia as an older sister at times. She hadn’t ever had a sister, but she could imagine Jadzia doting on her much like how she doted on her little brother. She briefly entertained an imaginary situation where Jadzia would walk in, outraged Ezri had gotten into her things. </p>
<p><em> “Why do you still have love letters from Captain Boday?” </em>Ezri would ask.</p>
<p><em> “He’s a natural poet, Ezri!” </em>Jadzia would explain as if that was reason enough.</p>
<p>
  <em> “Uh huh, yeah okay.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “If he wrote letters to you you’d think the same way, don’t even argue.”  </em>
</p>
<p>Jadzia would be right of course, Captain Boday was incredibly handsome and charming. Ezri shook the thought out of her head, settling her eyes on the one thing that seemed to stand out beyond all else.A small black box sat next to a copy of A Tale of Two Cities. There was nothing special about it particularly, but that didn’t stop her from reaching for it.</p>
<p>Ezri opened it and her breath hitched as she gazed upon Lenara’s earrings. Her fingers gently caressed the circular brown earrings in a circular motion. The texture was similar to the shell of a sea creature and cool to the touch. In her memories, she recalled the elegance of Lenara who had always chosen earrings that matched her outfit perfectly.</p>
<p>Jadzia had always wondered if they were clip-on earrings or actual ones, but Ezri couldn’t recall her ever trying the earrings on to find out. Earrings weren’t regulation approved without religious circumstances involved but that wasn’t the reason Jadzia had never worn them. With the way things with Lenara had ended, Jadzia couldn’t bear the thought of wearing them.</p>
<p>Ezri wasn’t surprised the earrings had been left in these quarters. They were part of Jadzia’s life that she left behind for Worf, and she didn’t want that memory to affect their relationship. It seemed a bit ironic actually that the earrings were Klingon in origin.</p>
<p>Much like how she revisited times of peace, Ezri recalled Lenara’s time aboard DS9. It was a bit selfish to do this, but she couldn’t stop herself. In these very quarters they had kissed after being unable to hold one another for so long, unable to imagine parting after their lips brushed against one another for the first time in two lifetimes<b>. </b>Lenara had looked so beautiful, her elegant red gown contrasting against the large gold-frame window. She had been close to tears and even now Ezri felt the desire to fix it all for her, change Trill society so that they could be together.</p>
<p>Ezri walked towards the gold window, carrying her padd with her. She looked up Lenara and found her profile. She was as beautiful as she had been the last she saw her, the only difference was that she wore different earrings. It was when she thought of Lenara that she wondered if anyone had told her Jadzia had passed. </p>
<p>Ezri typed in a video communication request before she could question if it was right to do so.  She knew that Lenara would see her name of Dax alongside her own and know immediately if she hadn’t already. She braced herself for the call to go unanswered, but surprisingly Lenara’s visage appeared on her screen. Ezri felt her heart jump as she saw Lenara resting against some pillows, clearly having been lounging. Her hair was tied loosely back and despite how casual she looked, she wore ornate pearl earrings. Ezri hoped she looked even a quarter as good in her undressed state.</p>
<p>“Dax,” spoke Lenara, her voice soft.</p>
<p>“Hi Lenara.” Lenara put a hand to her mouth, exhaling shakily.</p>
<p>“I had heard but I didn’t wish to believe…”</p>
<p>“I wanted to contact you when I went back to Trill for training,” Ezri found herself admitting. “Make a joke about how it was a good thing we didn’t choose one another after all…” Lenara breathed out a laugh, her eyes still somber.</p>
<p>“That’s a terrible joke Dax…”</p>
<p>“Ezri,” she supplied.</p>
<p>“Ezri,” Lenara amended with a soft smile. Ezri rubbed the back of her head awkwardly, wondering how she should continue.</p>
<p>“I found your earrings in Jadzia’s old room…well, it’s my room now.” Lenara’s face flashed in recognition. Her lips parted as she thought of what to say.</p>
<p>“...Did she ever use them?”</p>
<p>“They weren’t regulation,” Ezri explained to soften the blow. If Lenara had insinuated the full truth behind why she hadn’t worn them, she didn’t show it.</p>
<p>“I think they would have looked nice with her spots…” Lenara said, her eyes lowered to the floor. They raised again quickly, her eyes making contact with Ezri’s. “They’d look good on you too,” she smiled. Ezri could tell she meant it. </p>
<p>“You’re too sweet.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps because I wish to make things right… I owe you an apology.” Ezri shook her head.</p>
<p>“You don’t owe me anything.” It was the truth. Lenara owed her nothing, as Ezri or as Dax. Lenara sighed.</p>
<p>“Maybe not, but I’d feel better if I could explain myself…” Lenara’s gaze was steady. “I truly did love Jadzia, Ezri. And I knew when I was leaving, I was leaving part of me behind. As candidates for joining, we are trained to place the symbiont above ourselves. Sometimes you wish you could throw lifetimes away for the one you’re living now, but it’s overcoming that urge that allows you to be a host in the first place.” Ezri nodded. She hadn’t ever had the training Lenara had, but she had experienced the vague imperfect memories of her hosts undergoing training that the symbiont had borrowed from its hosts. It was an honor to be joined, but it was also a huge burden. Ezri had felt more of the latter than the former, but she still was cognisant of the privilege she held. Lenara’s eyes shifted towards her own hands. “I still think about my choice from time to time. Perhaps the symbiosis commission would beg to differ, but I feel like the attraction wasn’t because she was Dax. It was always Lenara and Jadzia, introduced by our previous hosts.” Lenara’s eyes shed tears and she cleared her throat.  “That being said, I couldn’t even get myself to refer to her as Jadzia. I didn’t wish to take a step that far.” Ezri was speechless. She closed her eyes, something Jadzia said coming back to her.</p>
<p>“She loved you beyond Kahn,” Ezri declared. “--and while I feel drawn to you as Jadzia and Torias Dax, I won’t lie by saying my mind isn’t wishing to try again as Ezri.” Lenara smiled at that.</p>
<p>“You won’t though, will you?” she asked in a neutral tone. She was as cautious as she had been years ago. </p>
<p>“No… I’ve got a lot to figure out," Ezri said. </p>
<p>“I understand. Believe me…” A silence came between them, a silence that so desperately yearned to be filled with words of longing and answers to questions long contemplated. Ezri knew she couldn’t ask for more though. She could do something else though.</p>
<p>“I’d like to send you your earrings back.” Lenara shook her head.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t accept them.”</p>
<p>“They won’t be of any use to me… I would be happier if I could see you wear them.”</p>
<p>“Oh Dax…"</p>
<p>“Can we be friends?” Ezri found herself asking.</p>
<p>“If Trill society doesn’t decide to expand reassociation,” Lenara joked lightly. Ezri laughed, her eyes growing blurry with tears. She had a feeling they wouldn’t speak after this, or at least not for a long time.</p>
<p>“I loved you,” Ezri said.</p>
<p>“I loved you too,” Lenara responded. They hung up on one another after that and Ezri settled into bed. She made arrangements for the earrings to be picked up and delivered with the next supply ship in a week's time. Just before she could close it however, a message lit up on her PADD. </p>
<p>Upon reading it, Ezri could think of only one thing.</p>
<p>Today would be a good day to die.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Gagh</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ezri groaned and leaned back against her headboard in frustration. She had intended to spend the rest of the evening alone with an audiobook, but it seemed fate had other plans. Fate had taken five words, strung them together and sent her a message right before she could shut off her PADD for the night.</p>
<p>“PICK UP GAGH. LAST REMINDER.”</p>
<p>As could be inferred, she had been getting messages about the fifty-one cases of gagh in cargo bay two for a while. Through a rudimentary search of her message archives, she found five notices recieved over the past two weeks. Ezri imagined there was probably an ensign down there who was fed up with taking care of her cargo by now. She felt bad about it, but ultimately her failure to claim and deal with the gagh wasn’t entirely her fault. </p>
<p>
  <em> I would have gotten rid of it by now if Odo had just let me throw it out the airlock.  </em>
</p>
<p>It was an excuse Ezri could imagine Jadzia coming up with if she disliked gagh like she disliked confronting the source of her problems. When it came to confronting what bothered her, Ezri was better than Jadzia, but even she wasn’t immune from the temptation to avoid.</p>
<p>The fact of the matter was that Ezri didn’t pick up the gagh for two reasons. The first was time; She had been offstation the majority of the past week, dealing with the disappearance of Chief O’Brien as well as her own family issues on New Sydney. When all that had been settled and done, she had barely enough time to process her feelings on what had happened before she had to go back to her office and make up the hours she had lost while away. The gagh was simply at the back of her priorities and brought up more discomfort than she thought she could deal with at the moment. </p>
<p>The second reason was that Ezri dreaded the thought of delivering the gagh to its proper recipient. Jadzia had ordered the gagh for Martok’s birthday, going to painstaking efforts to taste-test and order the best kinds, a memory too vivid for Ezri to find thoughtful. The memory of the gagh’s purpose made Ezri check the date. If she hadn’t already leaned back in frustration she would have now. The party was tonight and she had forgotten about it. In all honesty, she had not intended on going. However, she knew there would probably be nothing worse than to let Jadzia’s last gift to Martok go to waste.</p>
<p>Or perhaps there <em> was </em> something equally as bad. Attending Martok’s birthday party even for just a moment would mean she would be seeing Worf and the crew of the Rotarran, people who had helped secure Jadzia’s place in Sto-Vo-Kor. It was the type of social situation Ezri loathed but could probably exploit to make a self-help book or run a sociological study on. </p>
<p>Either way, to say she was not in the mood was a severe understatement. Truthfully, she would never be in the mood, but the exceptional events of the past week made the reality she would have to deal with the gagh now even more irritating. </p>
<p>Just earlier this evening, she had quite literally stumbled upon a box containing some of the most sentimental things Jadzia had left behind. Ezri decided to be courageous and go through the former Dax’s belongings but soon regretted it when one of the items meant she would have to call Lenara. The courage it had taken her left her with very little left for what she needed to do now. </p>
<p>
  <em> Do you need the courage to deal with the party or the gagh? </em>
</p>
<p>“Both,” Ezri sighed. She closed her eyes in an attempt to ease the onset of lightheadedness, but ended up imagining worms crawling all over her sheets instead. She kicked them off in a dazed panic but felt embarrassed soon after. </p>
<p>Knowing it was better to deliver the gagh sooner rather than later, she sought her boots that were scattered on the floor. She shook them for good measure in case the imaginary worms were real, and clutched them as she made her way to the closet. After sorting through some clothing, she picked a white blouse she hadn’t worn in a while and some pants. As she slid them off the rack, she noted a rather prominent dent in the metal closet rod. She made a mental note to deal with it later. </p>
<p>For now, she would deal with the fact that she had a delivery to make to a party she didn’t know if she would be welcome at. While Worf had given her his approval to stay on Deep Space Nine, going to a family party or rather an ex-family party, seemed a bit of an overreach. </p>
<p>She tried not to think about that as she went to the cargo bay and picked up the gagh. A helpful ensign excitedly signed the gagh over to her and brought them as far as the Promenade before bounding away. Ezri couldn’t blame him. </p>
<p>From across the way she could hear Klingon Opera blaring with tone-deaf singers following along. As she reluctantly approached, she was able to hear what she thought were barstools being thrown and a high-pitched scream coming from Quark.</p>
<p><em> “Sounds like a party,” </em> said Curzon. </p>
<p>“Let’s hope they’re too busy enjoying it to notice me,” Ezri murmured, making her way into Quark’s Bar and Grill with containers of gagh trailing behind her. She could tell the party was just getting started, half the bottles of bloodwine were still unpopped, something she was grateful for given that she couldn’t stomach the smell. </p>
<p>Ezri recognized quite a few of the Klingons as crewmembers of the IKS Rotarran. Doran, daughter of W’mar was busy drinking with Kornan at the bar. Leskit sat aways from them in a corner with Koth and Ortikan. Ezri wondered if Kornan ever settled the peace with Leskit and Koth but thought better to ask. For one, peace was probably the wrong way to describe anything Klingons did, but also she doubted they would even know who she was. Distracted by memories, she hadn’t noticed Tavana approach her.</p>
<p>“Who are you?” asked Tavana, towering above Ezri. Ezri controlled the urge to jump and instead leaned back casually against the gagh containers before realizing what she was doing.</p>
<p>“Ezri Dax,” she supplied.</p>
<p>“Dax,” Tavana thought aloud. “I was aware Jadzia had died, but did not think her successor was aboard the station.” Ezri smiled awkwardly, shrugging her shoulders.</p>
<p>“Well, I am. Anyways, since you’re here, I was wondering if you could carry this gagh the rest of the way inside for the celebration.”</p>
<p>“You seem weaker than Jadzia and Curzon, but not weak enough to require help.” Ezri blinked dumbfoundedly at the comment.</p>
<p><br/>
“Well, I don’t want to intrude on Martok’s celebration,” she explained. She knew those were the wrong words as soon as she spoke them. Tavana immediately exited their conversation and walked towards the other side of the bar where Ezri saw Martok and Worf side by side in a very passionate conversation. She felt her soul leave her body as Tavana spoke to them and they all turned towards her. She knew better than to cower away but nevertheless felt incredibly meek as Martok yelled her name across the bar. Worf looked away determinedly as she approached. </p>
<p>“And here I was beginning to think I’d never get to have a conversation with you, Ezri,” Martok joked. His voice was just loud enough to be heard over the opera. </p>
<p>“Hi Martok!” Ezri shouted. She was afraid of accidentally yelling and catching everyone’s attention, but that didn’t seem to be the case.  </p>
<p>“I cannot hear you! Speak louder!” Ezri sighed.</p>
<p>“Happy Birthday Martok!” she said louder. Unsatisfied, Martok shook his head.</p>
<p>“You are quieter than a zyznian church mouse! Come, let us go over here,” he said gesturing towards a private corner. She followed him and they sat down.</p>
<p>“I am glad to see you here! You have come at a good time, there are still plenty of krada legs to go around” he roared, patting her roughly on the shoulder. She reigned in her pain and smirked.</p>
<p>“That’s great Martok, but I don’t mean to stay for long. I wanted to give you your... <em> gagh </em> and wish you well before heading back to my quarters.” She hadn’t meant to put so much vile into the word gagh but she had, and Martok took notice of it.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell me you’re going to miss the celebration of the year simply because you detest gagh! I am sure I can find a variety you enjoy!” Ezri’s face wrinkled at the thought. “I do understand your squeamishness, you already have a slug in your stomach!”</p>
<p>“Don’t remind me…” she sighed. “Sorry Martok, but this was Jadzia’s gift, not mine. In fact, Jadzia is why I don’t want to be doing anything tonight.” Ezri noticed his eye drifted to the left, towards where Worf was. She imagined if she turned around at this very moment she’d catch him staring. She did not however, and continued to look at Martok. His lips were in a hard line, in a mixture of disappointment and resignation. “Listen, don’t feel bad. I just had a difficult conversation with someone and that took me out of it a little.”</p>
<p>“Worf?” Martok asked.</p>
<p>“Huh?” She registered the question. “Oh, no. Worf and I haven’t spoken in a while actually. I just got off a call with Lenara Kahn and… Well, we spoke.”</p>
<p>“Lenara Kahn,” Martok grumbled in recognition. “I have heard about her from Worf but  did not think you were allowed to speak to her.”</p>
<p>“I am, but I called her to make arrangements to return something that belonged to her,” Ezri said dejectedly. Martok laughed, startling her out of her melancholy.</p>
<p>“I know that tone. It sounds like you have woman problems.” Ezri rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>“Lenara and I are just friends,” Ezri clarified. “But even if I did have problems with a woman, I wouldn’t talk to you about it.” Martok barked out a laugh, slapping her arm jovially. </p>
<p>“Ah Ezri, you forget that Klingon courting involves women throwing things. My wife and I have never gotten past our youth, we believe a little bit of sparring keeps things fresh.” Ezri shook her head in exasperation. She knew it was a cultural thing, but having grown up how she had, she couldn’t imagine having arguments for the purpose of keeping things interesting. </p>
<p>“No offense Martok, but I’d love you to visit a marriage counselor some day.”</p>
<p>“Ah, should I make an appointment with you?” he jested. Ezri rolled her eyes. It was a pet peeve of hers whenever someone thought she could do any kind of counseling when the situation called for it, but she didn’t feel like ranting at the moment. </p>
<p>“Considering she used to be my in-law, I don’t think she’d appreciate me telling her how to work out problems in her marriage.” Martok laughed once more. </p>
<p>“No, she wouldn’t like that at all.” At the front of the bar Ezri heard laughter from the party. It brought Ezri back to reality.</p>
<p>“I should let you get back to the party, it was nice talking to you though,” she said standing up. He remained seated, causing her to hesitate.</p>
<p>“Ezri… Worf is a member of my house and I am responsible for his conduct. You need not worry about leaving.” Ezri shook her head, smiling.</p>
<p>“I appreciate the thought, but you know as well as I do that I don’t belong here… I may have Jadzia’s memories but that doesn’t mean I can just waltz in here and celebrate with you.”</p>
<p>“I have no issue with it,” he asserted. She knew he was being genuine but didn’t dare take his offer to stay. </p>
<p>“Martok, you don’t even know me, not really. I have Jadzia’s memories, but I’m not her. I’m not as extroverted and I can’t even stomach the smell of bloodwine and gagh. I appreciate that you want to include me, but I would be so happy if your celebration could continue as it had before I arrived.” Martok shook his head.</p>
<p>“It would be a dishonor not to share gagh with you, Dax. Your namesake has contributed much to the Klingon Empire. You would always be welcome here, especially as a former member of my house.” Ezri smiled. “In fact I can make you part of my family once more. I would need to discuss it with Worf but ultimately the decision is-” Ezri felt touched at what he was saying but couldn’t bear it any longer. She knew he would continue to insist she stay so she decided to be more frank than she would normally ever be.</p>
<p>“I appreciate the thought Martok, but you don’t have to do that. I’ve never had a family, not really. Jadzia had two, and I have none. And that’s fine, that’s just how life is. I’m touched by your offer, but I don’t think you, I, or Worf should be talking or even considering adding me to your House right now. It’s too soon, I think you feel that too.” Martok was silent. The sounds of laughter seemed a bit too loud for the moment between them. Finally he sighed, a deep sigh. </p>
<p>“I will not force you to stay Ezri, but I will not force you to leave either. Your presence would honor me, but likewise your brief stay has already been an honor.” She smiled again.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Martok.”</p>
<p>“Understand that I was serious about making you a member of my House… while he may not seem amenable to the idea now, I know Worf will consider it eventually. I will put in a good word for you when that occurs.” </p>
<p>“You do that,” she said softly. He walked her towards the entrance of Quark’s Grill and Bar, where the gagh was parked. He placed a hand on the containers, grinning.</p>
<p>“Hey Martok?” He looked up from gagh at her.</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“qoSlIj Datlvjaj.” Martok paused before laughing.</p>
<p>“If you do become a member of my house again, you will have to learn to speak Klingon properly.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be sure to practice,” she exclaimed. “Goodnight!”</p>
<p>“I shall eat gagh in your name!” He told her before turning away. She watched as Martok turned towards his crew who all made fun and shoved him as he towed the gagh behind him. He shoved back harder and Ezri heard Quark yell something about property damage. It was an amusing scene but she didn’t look for long. As soon as she turned away she felt Worf’s eyes on her once more. She resisted looking back, a weariness consuming her. </p>
<p>She managed to make it back to her quarters with enough energy to change back into what she had been wearing. As she walked into her bedroom her eyes flicked to the box that still sat on her bed. She glanced briefly at the remaining items, knowing she would have to deal with them later. </p>
<p>Not tonight, however. With a quick command, her room was filled with the sounds of soft classical music by the Old Sydney Symphony Orchestra and an audio novel Julian had recommended to her. Apparently it was a favorite of Captain James T. Kirk. </p>
<p>As the computer read to her, she thought about the party going on at Quark’s. It was a celebration in honor of living another year, a promise of more battles to come. There was part of her that wished to be there, a part that was wholly Ezri. She longed to be a part of something with Martok and Worf. To contribute with her own personality and be accepted once more into something she had lost. She stifled a sob and closed her eyes, urging herself to calm. </p>
<p>There will be another time, she swore to herself. </p>
<p>There will be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Will</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It took time, but eventually Ezri felt at home. Walking into her quarters no longer felt like she’d trespassed onto hallowed grounds, but rather became a place where she could unwind and feel comfortable. While the room had become less of Jadzia’s, there was still an absence of Ezri’s own personal touch. It was something she was looking forward to changing, but was unable to just yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Most of what remained of Jadzia's belongings were small accent pieces, a mirror atop too high a shelf and a blanket draped over the couch. Those she had grown accustomed to, even fond of. It was the box she found by happenstance, full of things Jadzia had placed her highest sentimental value in which held her back from making the space her own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Ezri had learned to manage and suppress the urges the symbiont gave her, the box seemed to challenge the progress she had made. Jadzia’s avoidance left Ezri nearly numb, but her own inner strength managed to thaw her fingers just enough to slide open the lid, revealing what was within.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first glance, she noticed the neatly stacked holomessages between Jadzia and her family. The messages had been too personal and heartfelt to leave out in the open. Another glance revealed a bracelet an elderly Trill had given Jadzia in celebration of being re-accepted into the initiate program. They were lovely memories, ones Ezri wished she could have experienced herself. The sweetness emanating from those mementos was quickly soured however by an overwhelming dread once she laid eyes upon a small fabric pouch. By all counts it was unremarkable, and yet knowing what it represented had her feeling daunted and forlorn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pouch represented the final step of moving Jadzia out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something interesting about being joined was that Ezri could look back at one of Dax’s past lives like it were a holonovel. If she looked for it, she could find foreshadowing that would rival any bestselling work of literature. To Ezri, Jadzia’s last year alive had many moments like that, the most prominent being the time on Soukara where Jadzia would have died for the sake of the mission had Worf not come back and saved her. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It would’ve been a more meaningful death had I died there,</span>
  </em>
  <span> suggested what was left of Jadzia. Ezri shook her head at the thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deaths don’t have to be meaningful,” she said aloud. It was that idealization of death that made Jadzia and Curzon so popular with Klingons. Ezri didn’t understand it herself, but she could understand a celebration of life such as the Irish wake for Lisa Cusak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There Chief O’Brien had given a moving speech about how one day one of them would pass, but that they would all mourn together</span>
  <b>.</b>
  <span> Ezri remembered that Jadzia had taken the message to heart yet avoided the possibility it might be her. As much as Jadzia glorified death, she couldn’t help but avoid it just as she had many other things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was then that Ezri felt cognisant of the fact she was avoiding something as well, or rather stalling. In an act of determination, she clutched onto the fabric, feeling what was inside. Another memory surfaced from within her, one of Chief O’Brien on the Defiant, frustrated and somber.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It's my eleventh goodbye message since we've been married. I average almost two a year... Every time I record one of these I think, this is it. This is the one they're going to end up hearing.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezri couldn’t remember exactly what Jadzia had said back then, but she could recall a few things. She remembered Jadzia had consoled him and assured him he would live many more years to come. She remembered that Jadzia hadn’t assured herself the same, merely ended the conversation and entered his will onto the Defiant’s database right alongside her own addressed to her mother. When Jadzia died, that log had been delivered. What Miles and everyone else didn’t know was that Jadzia had recorded a second message addressed to someone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ezri was joined, she knew that Jadzia expected her to come to DS9, perhaps not to stay as she had, but ultimately because she wanted Ezri to find the isolinear chip that contained her will. Dax suppressed the memories of what specifically Jadzia had recorded, leaving an uncomfortable blank space where Ezri would have expected the presence of another person. Ezri would have to listen to the will herself to get the feeling to subside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The issue was that there were no outlets to play isolinear chips on Deep Space Nine. Originally a Cardassian station, every computer system was outfitted to only accept isolinear rods. Ezri knew she would have to board the Defiant to play it, but she wasn’t sure that she could make it there. Still, she was determined to try.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her legs shook all the way to the door and she shivered with anxiety for most of the way down the hall. Despite being more aware of the station’s rotation than she had been in weeks,  she managed to reach spacedock without fainting or becoming sick with nausea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she viewed the Defiant from a viewport, she pressed her fingers to her combadge and requested permission to board the Defiant. There was a nerve-inducing silence that followed after she had made her request, enough to make her wonder if anyone had heard her at all. Perhaps they thought her request wasn’t worthy of a response, for all they knew she could have forgotten to take her combadge off and was sleep talking! </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is this I hear about you wishing to board the Defiant?” Odo asked from behind her. His tone was slightly aloof but there was no hostility to it. Regardless of the tone, it startled Ezri enough that she jumped and dropped the chip in a panic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Odo-!” Ezri stammered. He looked at her briefly before bending over to pick up the chip. He held it in his hand, inspecting it before returning it to her. She accepted it with a chuckle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for startling you Ezri. I had received a call from Ops and decided to inspect the situation myself. You understand that to allow someone aboard the Defiant at these hours by themselves is a safety issue.” Ezri swallowed and nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand… I just… I need to play this isolinear chip and there’s nowhere on this station where I can.” After a moment of studying her, his serious disposition dropped slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see this is important to you… but must it really be now?” She nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I don’t do this now, Odo… I don’t know if I ever will. You can come with me if it’s really so important, but I need to do this.” He looked at her then towards the airlock. An expression passed over his face but she couldn’t tell what it was. He touched his combadge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmph. Odo to Ops, permission granted to board Defiant.” Ezri smiled gratefully at him. In return, he dropped his façade of perpetual annoyance to shoot her a soft smile in return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they boarded the Defiant, Odo kept a respectful distance from her, enough to observe what she did, but leaving enough space so that she didn’t feel panicked. She twisted and turned through the tight hallways until she made her way to the quarters she shared with Kira when they were on away missions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be outside,” Odo said. Ezri nodded wordlessly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door shut behind her and she made her way to the computer table. She fumbled with the isolinear chip and inserted it. She breathed a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Computer, play the contents of the isolinear chip.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezri found herself immediately face to face with Jadzia. It was surreal to see her in a new context, without any memory of it. She was wearing a white blouse with her hair tied in a half-ponytail. She looked so happy. Too happy for the circumstances.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello Dax,” Jadzia said, with a smirk on her face. “I don’t like making wills, but war makes you numb to them.” Jadzia took a moment to exhale boredly. “I’ve recorded this conversation so many times that a lot of it has lost meaning. Every time I remake it though, I can’t help but wonder where I’ll be leaving Dax. Will I die in the middle of this war, leaving the fate of the Alpha Quadrant in another host’s hands? Or will the next Dax live in peacetime?” Jadzia lowered her eyes, shaking her head at some unspoken thought. “I’ll be honest with you, I hope this message isn’t the last one I make.” Jadzia lifted her eyes once more, her blue eyes shining with vulnerability. Ezri’s heart ached.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure you remember this Dax, but life’s going up for me right now. I got married, something I never thought I’d do. Worf’s talking about raising a kid and has been practicing with the O'Brien's baby. Life is full of the unexpected and it’s absolutely wonderful.” Her smile suddenly diminished and her expression grew serious, as if she remembered why she had recorded the message in the first place. “...But the unexpected may also mean I could die whenever. And I’ve accepted that even though it’d be a </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible</span>
  </em>
  <span> time to die right now,” Jadzia laughed. Her eyes had a curious light to them, one people always spoke of when talking about Jadzia. Ezri had never understood what they meant until now. “You know, I think the worst thing is that this can’t be a two sided conversation. I’m so curious about who Dax’s next host will be. Do I know you? What do you like to do? Are you in love? Are you nervous? I usually don’t make these messages so long but it’s probably because I’m just so excited about everything happening right now. It’ll be a shame to re-record this all when it becomes outdated, but then again, I’d prefer not being dead, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Ezri said quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been given a wonderful gift, though.” Jadzia said seriously. “And I’m so fortunate to live on in you. I hope I can be with you for a long time and provide you with guidance, and when you have your first zhian’tara we can meet properly and you can see what parts of myself you’ve gotten.” Jadzia’s eyes were shining with unshed tears. Ezri found her own eyes growing moist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope being joined is a positive experience for you and that you have many friends in this life, Dax. If I die now, I want you to know that every one of my friends on DS9 would welcome you with open arms. Worf might be a bit difficult, because he’s so set on tradition and the belief of Sto-Vo-Kor, but if he’s still around and giving you a hard time, know this. In my room there’s a Trill vase. Not in mine and Worf’s room, </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> room. If he’s giving you a hard time, feel free to give what’s in there to him.” Jadzia’s voice dropped to a mischievous whisper. “Worf won’t tell you this, but he’s a sentimentalist. I think he’d like it. Maybe use it himself. So give it to him if you’d like… It’d mean the world to him.” Jadzia leaned back from the screen. At the action, Ezri didn’t notice how close she had been to the screen herself. She slowly leaned away, the sense of finality in the action hurting immensely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you have a wonderful and long life, Dax.” She smiled once more. “Goodbye.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The screen went abruptly black, displaying Ezri’s own reflection staring back at her. The hum of the Defiant was the only thing filling the vast silence of where there had once been Jadzia’s voice. Ezri’s eyes stung but she refused to cry. She would wait until she made it back to her room, she had to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She managed to compose herself enough to open the door, but upon seeing Odo’s stricken face, she knew that he had heard the conversation. She didn’t know why that did it for her, but she found herself bursting into tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” she managed to say between breaths. “I’m fine,” she insisted. She felt horrible that Odo was seeing her in this state and that he didn’t know what to do to help her. To her surprise, he patted her shoulder in a show of condolence. He didn’t say anything, but the weight of his hand grounded her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood in the halls of the Defiant until Ezri stopped crying. She sniffled the entire way back to the station and was sure her eyes were red from tears. Nevertheless Odo walked  by her side and accompanied her back to her room. It made the walk to her quarters more bearable knowing she wasn’t alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you Odo,” she said when they stood outside her door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you be alright?” he asked. She sent him a wobbly smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so.” Odo let out his signature ‘hmph’ in response, but the concern still lingered in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if you need anything, I’ll be in Ops.” The words were simple, but they meant a lot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll let you know,” was all she said in response. Odo smiled at her in that way of his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good night Ezri.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good night Odo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened the door to her quarters and leaned on it heavily when it shut. She hugged her legs to her chest and buried her head in her arms. She stayed that way for a long time, the sound of her own breathing loud in her ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was proud of herself. Despite the pain she felt.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Model Ships I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Part Two: Moving Out</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As part of one’s Starfleet service, officers were regularly required to attend conferences. The exact frequency depended on the posting, but for the majority of officers, the requirement was usually 2 or 3 per year. Ezri had already completed her quota during her time aboard the Destiny, but decided to attend the one on Aldebaran III after Julian requested she accompany him.</p><p>When he had asked her to accompany him, she could tell he had done so reluctantly. He felt embarrassed about his fear of going alone, but frankly the fear was justifiable. The last two times Julian had gone to attend a conference by himself, he hadn’t actually attended them at all. He had been abducted both times, once by the Dominion, and the other by Section 31. </p><p>Fortunately, their five hour trip had no encounters with either group, and they arrived at Aldebaran III safely. They landed at the planet’s capital, a seaside metropolis that was somehow bustling with activity and laid back at the same time.</p><p>Ezri relished the sun’s warmth and the smell of the salty fresh air. The teal ocean reminded her of Jadzia and Curzon’s memories of Risa. Lost in nostalgia, Ezri turned to Julian, expecting to find a boyish grin plastered on his face. Instead she saw his tense expression, bringing her back to reality. Julian wasn’t the same as he was back during Jadzia’s honeymoon. Too much had changed since then.</p><p>“Shall we get to the hotel, then?” Julian asked, taking Ezri out of her thoughts. She nodded and they began to walk away from the beach towards the hotel area.</p><p>Despite the wonderful location, Ezri and Julian would be in conference rooms a majority of their time there. Fortunately, the topics all but made up for it and the week passed by quickly.</p><p>On the final day, Ezri attended a psychiatry panel featuring Cardassian doctor, Dara Praan. She and her team had defected from Cardassia at the start of the Dominion War, and currently resided on Romulus where they studied and treated former Obsidian Order operatives. The topic of the panel was related to the memory drug desegranine and the trauma Cardassian operatives experienced when regaining memories. </p><p>Ezri was captivated hearing about case studies and everyone in the audience seemed to be as well. Surprisingly, despite the overwhelming amount of questions towards the end, the panel ended right on time.</p><p>Julian’s conference however, was still going on. After waiting for about five minutes outside, Ezri shot Julian a COMM. Julian responded quickly, explaining that the conference was running overtime and that he would message her when it was finished. She responded by saying she would walk around the nearby pier in the meanwhile. </p><p>The sunset-lit promenade was relatively quiet and calm. The ocean breeze carried mist and the sound of far off music. Ezri didn’t know how much time it’d be until Julian could join her, so she bided her time window-shopping. A majority of the shops sold various souvenirs such as t-shirts and shells, but nothing particularly interested her until her eyes found a model starship.</p><p>While her barren room didn’t suggest it, one of Ezri’s hobbies was collecting model starships. Her collection back in New Sydney consisted of about 40 ships, including a Romulan freighter and two Klingon birds of prey. </p><p>Like most collectors, Ezri’s menagerie had begun with just one ship. Her first was that of the NCC-1701 Enterprise which her father had given her after coming back from a business trip. After she had expressed an interest in collecting starships, he began to go out of his way to buy shipbuilding kits for her, doing so up until she joined Starfleet.</p><p>Now she had the opportunity to buy one for herself.</p><p>The model display in the shop was of an Antares type starship from the 23rd century. Having seen the exact ship on several t-shirts throughout her walk, she assumed the ship was important to the planet’s history. </p><p>In all honesty, the model wasn’t anything special, it was cheap looking and there were inconsistencies in the color choices. However, the thought of building a new model and repainting it to be more accurate was extremely enticing. </p><p>In the back of her head, she heard Tobin Dax’s excitement alongside her own. She rarely ever heard Tobin, so it distracted her from hearing Julian approach.</p><p>“Ezri, there you are,” spoke Julian from behind her. Ezri jumped slightly but the smile on his face instantly put her at ease.</p><p>“Hey Julian! How was the presentation?” </p><p>“It was absolutely fascinating. Doctor Phlox’s research on peridaxon shows immense potential for treating Irumodic syndrome.” </p><p>““Irumodic syndrome… that’s when the synaptic pathways deteriorate, right?” </p><p>“Yes, the pathways deteriorate, resulting in delusions. Peridaxon won’t be a cure, but if it works it will ease the delusions significantly.”</p><p>“One of the first patients I counselled was a woman predetermined to have Irumodic. She was young so the degradation hadn’t occurred, but I learned quite a bit secondhand about the condition. It’s absolutely frightening.” Julian hummed at what she said.</p><p>“Sorry you had to wait so long by the way. Towards the end, Doctor Phlox began to speak about his grandfather. Apparently towards his old age, he had been working on peridaxon’s formula. We just didn’t find his notes until very recently.”</p><p>“That’s super interesting Julian,” she said earnestly.</p><p>“Now what did you learn?” She was about to speak when his stomach rumbled. Ezri laughed and he blushed slightly. “I... suppose we can discuss it while we eat,” he said embarrassedly. She nodded. Ezri fell into step alongside Julian as they walked towards the restaurant they had been eating at the past week. She realized belatedly once they had arrived at the restaurant, that she had forgotten to buy the kit. However, she didn’t let that hang over her head as they ate dinner and continued to talk. </p><p>While she and Julian specialized in different things, they both managed to ask the right questions to bounce ideas around. It made their exchanges interesting, but it had the effect of prolonging their conversations longer than they intended. </p><p>Tonight was no different, and by the time they left the restaurant, the pier was closed. Ezri hid her disappointment as they turned back towards the hotel. She told herself she’d get it tomorrow, but of course, things were never quite so simple.</p><p>The sound of Julian banging on her door woke her up the next day. Apparently, Captain Sisko had called for their immediate return. A recent battle had gone badly, leaving several wounded and in need of both medical assistance and counseling. In order to arrive as soon as possible, they would need to depart in thirty minutes by shuttle to rendezvous with the USS Lakota that would deliver them faster than they could arrive in the Ganges alone. </p><p>They had managed to board the Lakota without a problem but it had been a rather stressful ordeal. It was only when she and Julian were sitting in the mess hall eating brunch when she remembered about the model.</p><p>“Fuck!” she said suddenly. </p><p>“Ezri?” Julian said, beginning to get riled up. She quickly put up a hand to calm him. </p><p>“Sorry Julian, it’s nothing. I just forgot to buy a souvenir I wanted.”</p><p>“Ah,” he said and frowned in sympathy. “What was it?”</p><p>“Nothing,” she dismissed.</p><p>“Well it seemed rather important to you,” he pointed out. </p><p>Ezri sighed and told him about the souvenir, which led to an entire conversation about her interest in ship models before turning into one about   Julian’s own interest in dramatic reenactments. During their talk, she noticed fragments of Julian’s old sense of humor and charm. It was much better seeing them in person rather than in her borrowed memories. </p><p>Before long, they boarded the Ganges once more, and maneuvered the shuttlecraft towards the station. Despite the trip’s sudden end, Ezri found the conference to have been a welcome respite. The upcoming days would be difficult, but Ezri felt more determined to take on her work than she had been before she left.</p><p>Ezri pushed any thought regarding the model to the back of her head, promising herself she would have them transported to DS9 later.</p><p>Until then, she had work to do.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Model Ships II (And Now the Conclusion)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>After all had mostly calmed, Ezri made arrangements for her ships to be brought out of storage. The cargo ship carrying her models would arrive sometime in the next two weeks, which gave her time to plan on how she was going to display them. She had been in the middle of deciding between arranging them by size or time period when she was interrupted by Julian who gave her some wonderful news. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to attend a conference by myself next week…” he began. “--It’s in Lasuma on Bajor… so I’m going very far but…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezri shook her head. “Julian that’s wonderful! Small steps are better than no steps. Don’t feel bad about that.” While Julian was anxious on the days leading up to his departure, Ezri was happy to see a smile on his face when the moment came for him to leave.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The day right after Julian’s departure, Ezri received her shipment of ships. She had gotten an automatic message as soon as she woke up and had raced down to the cargo bay in excitement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The cargo bay was busy with people loading and unloading freighters. Fortunately, all she needed to do was to provide a retinal scan to pick up her items which didn’t require any one to stop what they were doing. The ships came neatly in three storage containers, but they had been a lot heavier than she remembered. She looked around for a bit to see if anyone could help her, but then decided she’d rather carry them herself than wait. She had made it halfway down the Promenade when a familiar figure approached her, smiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Need any help Ezri?” Chief O’Brien asked. Ezri tried to put the boxes down gently, but they plodded down in a mighty thump. A few heads turned their way and she flushed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d love some help but I know you’ve got a bad shoulder, Chief,” she said. O’Brien shook his head</span>
  <b>. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t be helping you lift them per se. You see, usually the guys down at the cargo area let you rent out an anti-grav sled so you can carry things easier. I have no idea why they didn’t offer you one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh um… I didn’t ask. Everyone was busy so I just left without bothering anyone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, then, I’ll go get you one and be right back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, you don’t have to do that Chief,” she started, but he raised a hand up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’ll be my pleasure,” he said with a smile. Minutes later, he arrived with an anti-grav sled like he said he would, and she lifted them up onto it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you so much Chief,” she said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No problem, I’ll see you round.” The sled made the trip back to her room significantly easier. With a click of a button, the sled moved to stay nearby her, something it was able to do by tapping into her combadge’s signal. With her hands now free, she could peek inside the boxes and take some ships out to inspect them. They were a bit dusty, as she hadn’t cleaned them properly before storing them in the first place. They were also bigger than she remembered, which meant she’d have to rethink her placements. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unfortunately rethinking everything took time and energy, both of which were precious scarcities Ezri found herself with too little of. She ended up stuck in a disappointing cycle where she would think about decorating during her shift, become mentally exhausted from counselling, and then come home to replicate some hasperat and pass out on her bed before executing anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>About three days later, she finally managed to muster enough energy to open all the boxes and lay out most of the ships, but she had only dusted off about half of them before running out of energy once more. For the rest of the week, she simply marveled in quiet intimidation of her collection that was slowly but surely condemned to recollect dust. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was in the middle of one of these contemplative sessions one evening, when she heard her door ping. After a brief second of wondering if she should try and clean up, she gave up. It was probably just Julian who was supposed to come back on his trip tonight is what she told herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come in,” she called. The door slid open and her eyes raised in surprise as she locked eyes with Chief O’Brien. His eyes drifted towards the ships and she felt embarrassment creeping in. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, and then opened it again.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is quite a collection you’ve got,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll say,” Ezri huffed good naturedly. O’Brien held one up and inspected it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“These are bloody detailed things, aren’t they?” In his hands he held a Constitution class ship. It was one of the more high quality ones she had, having taken her three months to complete. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s nothing compared to a shrunken ship,” Ezri joked, referencing the shuttlecraft the Chief, Julian, and Jadzia had been stuck in. O’Brien did a double take at her words, clicking his tongue in disapproval as soon as he caught her meaning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t even talk about that mission. It was a disaster.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A </span>
  <em>
    <span>fun</span>
  </em>
  <span> disaster,” Ezri teased.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I used to build ships in bottles when I was younger,” Chief O’Brien said in an attempt to further the conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind of ships?” Ezri asked, interested.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mostly naval ships. Though for a time I did starships too,” he said, inspecting another model. “This is the Grissom, isn’t it?” Ezri nodded. “Must have been a pain to paint,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me about it. It doesn’t stand on its own, and the model’s too small to stick my hand between the primary and secondary hull. I had to use tweezers to hold the paintbrush which was absolutely abysmal considering I have such shaky hands.” Chief O’Brien let out a small chuckle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well if you try doing ships in bottles you’ll develop a steadier hand. I used to spend hours hunched over with tweezers assembling those bloody things. Your fingers will get a bit sore, but you’ll only notice if you play cello the next morning,” he said with a small smile. Ezri laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well if I ever find the time, I’ll be sure to give it a whirl,” she told him. He shook his head, in a way that reminded her of her father.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no, you’ve got to make time, otherwise you’ll never have any.” His point was simple but Ezri needed to hear it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right Chief. I’ve been meaning to clean up these ships and set up their anti-grav regulators all week, but instead I’ve been running myself ragged… It’s just a bit of a daunting project, y’know?” she said, scrunching her nose.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well uh, I can help you set up some of them,” he said awkwardly. “I insist, even.” She thought about asking if he had anything better to do, but she didn’t. The fact of the matter was that she probably would never finish flying them up without someone to push her into action. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks Chief, we can start with those I guess,” she said pointing to a small assortment that had already been polished. After telling him the general idea of where she’d like to have them flown up, they both set off to work. Ezri dusted, and Chief O’Brien flew them in the general positions Ezri wanted. All the while they would make small comments to one another about ships. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While she had never looked into specs regarding starships, Tobin Dax supplied her with enough knowledge to understand what the Chief was gushing on about and it made her excited too. It was refreshing that she could talk about the ships and their history and have someone nod along and contribute to the discussion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, you have the paint chips on the NX-01,” Chief O’Brien said appreciatively. “Nice touch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Finally, someone who gets it,” she sighed. “People used to think I was just careless with them… same thing goes for the dents and burn marks on the Enterprise C… It sucks to have literally set it on fire for accuracy just for people to think I accidentally threw it out a window.” The Chief chuckled once more and she found herself beaming. She hadn’t known many people with similar interests as she had, so the Chief being able to respond to some of her nerdy facts with even nerdier ones made her feel better. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So where should the NX go?” He asked. She looked at it and then at the room. She remembered the extremely high shelf where the mirror sat and thought it was a good place as any.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you could maneuver it by the mirror that’d be great. I don’t have the Columbia model but a mirror will do just fine in the meanwhile.” The Chief chuckled before he flew the NX-01 to where she had directed. Ezri walked over to the coffee table and noted she couldn’t see the mirror image. “A little closer Chief,” she said. He walked near the ship to direct it more carefully when she heard a small wobble. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A small vase she hadn’t noticed teetered on the high shelf. Apparently the Enterprise had nudged the vase when O’Brien had flown it. The vase was precariously on the edge. O’Brien must have accidentally pushed the controls forward because the Enterprise accelerated towards the vase, colliding with just enough force to knock it off the high shelf. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My favorite vase!!!” Ezri exclaimed despite never having seen said vase before now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Miles caught it with his arm and winced at his shoulder. Ezri gasped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Chief! Are you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll be fine.” he winced. She took the vase from him and set it on the table. So </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the vase Jadzia had spoken about. She looked inside to see silver glinting back at her. She opened her mouth in surprise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, what do you think about the placement?” Chief O’Brien asked. Ezri looked up. The NX-01 was in the exact position she had wanted it in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s perfect, thank you.” Not wanting to aggravate the Chief’s shoulder any further, Ezri sat them both down. She offered him a glass of water and at his acceptance, got one for herself as well. After she had finished half her glass, Ezri asked for the time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The time is 18:00 hours,” spoke the computer monotonously. She heard O’Brien curse. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Chief?” she asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, sorry, it’s just that I forgot what I came here for.” Ezri blinked, she couldn’t believe she had forgotten to ask why he’d showed up in the first place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Which was?” she asked belatedly. Before he could answer her, the door chimed. “Come in!” she called. To her surprise, the door opened to reveal Keiko holding Kirayoshi with one arm and holding onto Molly’s hand. The Chief rose to his feet, and scratched at the back of his head embarrassedly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Woah! You’ve got so many ships!” Molly exclaimed, breaking away from her mother’s hand to rush over under the starships.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this what you’ve been doing this whole afternoon?” Keiko asked, a faint smile of amusement directed towards her husband.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well I uh…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I asked the Chief to help me,” Ezri said. It was sort of the truth, afterall. Chief O’Brien shot her a thankful look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I had come to invite Ezri over for dinner like you’d asked... but then the time got to me.” Ezri’s eyebrows shot up at that. Keiko noted her look of befuddlement.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It sounds like you got so caught up in helping her that you forgot to ask.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Chief O’Brien said sheepishly. Ezri turned to Molly who was trying to jump up and touch the ships.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want to see them up close?” Ezri asked. Molly nodded and Ezri went to pick her up. They marveled at the ships for a bit together. Ezri found herself admiring how well they all looked together. She appreciated that the Chief had placed them at varying distances from the ceiling and spaced them apart in such an aesthetically pleasing way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So Ezri, </span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span> you like to join us for dinner?” Keiko asked after Ezri and Molly stopped looking at the models so intensely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’d give us time to talk about the great joys of models,” Chief O’Brien offered. Ezri’s nose crinkled in amusement.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d love to,” she said. Ezri set Molly down and the young girl skipped over to her mom. Ezri joined her and they all began to walk out. Chief O’Brien and Molly led the way towards their quarters, leaving Keiko, Kirayoshi, and Ezri taking up the rear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should see the little war diagrams Miles sets up. They’re so detailed. I don’t understand it really, but Miles feels the same way with me when I talk to him about my bonsai trees.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sounds like we all share a passion for miniature versions of things,” Ezri said, to which Keiko laughed at. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They arrived at the O’Briens quarters at that moment. The table was set up beautifully</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>with a small potted plant at the center. At the coffee table she noted the war model the Chief had set up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sit down while I serve the food Ezri,” Keiko said. The Chief had begun to sit down as well, when Keiko wagged a finger at him. “Uh uh, you told me you were going to clean up your models </span>
  <em>
    <span>before</span>
  </em>
  <span> dinner and I still expect you to.” Chief O’Brien pouted a bit but cleaned up anyway. Knowing her dad wasn’t going to be talking to Ezri, Molly took it as a chance to talk instead.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want to see my toys?” Molly asked her, already bringing them over. Ezri had been introduced to about half of them when the plates were served. She knew they were Earth dishes but she couldn’t think of names for them apart from the fact they were seafood. They were however, delicious and apparently passed down through Keiko’s family. The table conversation was light and jovial.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Everyone have room for dessert?” Keiko asked at the table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah!” Molly exclaimed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d love some honey,” the Chief said smiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too,” Ezri answered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good, because I asked Miles’ father for this recipe. Apparently it was one of Miles’ favorites growing up. The Chief seemed to grow excited.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It couldn’t be,” he said in disbelief.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Irish apple cake?” Keiko grinned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I can’t wait to taste it,” The Chief said, rubbing his hands together. “You guys will love it,” he said to Ezri and Molly. While they waited for Keiko to serve the dessert, the viewer made a sound, indicating someone was calling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll get that, excuse me,” Chief O’Brien said, making his way over to the living room. From where she was sat, Ezri couldn’t see or hear the screen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah we just finished dinner,” the Chief responded. “Yeah she’s here.” There was a pause. “I’ll ask,” he finished off before hanging up. Molly began to introduce Ezri to the other half of her stuffed animals as the Chief went over to Keiko and asked her something. She nodded and continued to slice the cake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So did you like dinner Ezri?” the Chief asked, sitting back down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh I loved it Chief, I don’t have Earth food very often but I’ve never had food as good as this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re my friend, Ezri… it’s Miles. Also, don’t tell Captain Sisko but I think Keiko could beat him at seafood,” Miles stage whispered. Ezri laughed, but her mind kept repeating what he had said. He considered her a friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You better not tell that to Captain Sisko,” Keiko chastised. “Otherwise he’ll never invite us to his quarters for dinner again.” She made her way over and they ate dessert. It was absolutely delicious. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite her full stomach encouraging her to sit back, she went to go help Keiko recycle the remnants of the food. She was in the middle of carrying plates when she heard the door ping.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll get it,” Miles said. As she and Keiko figured out how to best stack the plates into the replicator, whoever was at the door stepped inside. “Ah nice!” she heard Miles comment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know right!” responded who she knew now was Julian. Ezri turned towards their direction and Keiko placed a hand on her shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t you go and talk with the boys, I’ll be there in a minute.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Ezri asked. Keiko nodded, pushing the recycle button.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All that’s left is to recycle one more set of plates and cut Julian a slice.” Assured, Ezri walked over to where Miles and Julian were. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello Ezri,” Julian said with his hands behind his back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’d the trip go?” she asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Better than expected. Conference was lovely. I actually brought you back a souvenir I thought you might like.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm?” Ezri asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ta da,” he said ceremoniously, waving a solar ship in her face. Ezri felt her face break into a smile. “It's a Bajoran lightship kit. I got it from a souvenir shop in Lasuma,” he explained.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Julian! You shouldn’t have!” The model ship would never compare to the life sized replica Benjamin had built a while back, but the thought of working on her ships again and adding to her collection made her giddy. What made her smile even more though, was the way Julian grinned at her. It was the smile she had expected from him back on the beach. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So what’d you get me?” Miles teased. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh um, well I got a Hara-cat for Molly, a little pouch of seeds for Keiko, and for you,” he said reaching into his bag. “Bajoran Espresso.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bajoran Espresso, huh…” Miles said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I thought you could use it for when we rent out a back-to-back holosuite appointment tomorrow.” Miles broke out into an excited smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What! Julian, you mad-lad! How’d you get a double-reservation!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lets just say I know someone,” Julian winked. Ezri laughed at them both.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you guys going to reenact now?” Ezri asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Battle of the Waterloo,” they both said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have no idea what that is,” Ezri laughed. The two men looked at her aghast.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now you’ve done it,” Keiko laughed. As Miles and Julian began to lay out diagrams on the coffee table, Ezri found herself sitting by them, holding onto her model kit. She didn’t understand anything they were saying, but her heart felt warm thinking about how they wanted her to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She yawned tiredly as they prattled on, but kept her attention on what they were saying. It was only fair for her to do so. After all, she would force them to hear all about her collection soon enough.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Note: Ezri’s love of spaceship models comes from an excerpt of the Deep Space Nine Companion book that I found on Memory Alpha some time ago. The quote has since been removed from the site, but I found it in a tumblr post from @trillscienceofficer that I will link here: https://trillscienceofficer.tumblr.com/post/186871761172/in-the-rush-to-finish-writing-the-script-for</p>
<p>(I'd talk about how I think Ezri's love of starships is so fitting given her backstory, but I've already said too much in this note haha)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Painting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content Warning: This chapter contains discussions relating to grief and canonical character death (season 6) that involves flashbacks.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ezri was barely awake when she heard her combadge chirp. </p><p>“Kira to Dax, are you there?” Kira’s voice called out, muffled by the bedsheets. Ezri instinctively reached towards her left pectoral, surprised when she found no combadge there. Not wanting to open her eyes just yet, she blindly patted the bed to see if she could feel it out, eventually recruiting her legs and feet in the effort.</p><p>Ezri are you there?” Kira asked. Her voice guided Ezri’s hands to inbetween the wall and bed where she managed to fish out the combadge. She stuck it in its usual position and allowed herself a yawn before answering. </p><p>“I’m here, what’s up?”</p><p>“I just got off shift, you up for some food and drinks at the replimat?” Ezri perked up at the invitation, a few Moscow Mules paired with delicious food was just what she needed to cheer herself up. </p><p> “Sure, I’ll see you there in a bit. Dax out.” Ezri stretched and allowed herself a bit of time to wake up. When she felt more aware, she asked the computer for the time.</p><p>“It is 19:00 hours,” it replied. Ezri blinked in surprise, apparently she had slept most of the afternoon away. She would have thought the computer was mistaken if her extremely wrinkled uniform and bedhead hadn’t corroborated it. </p><p>Knowing there was no way she could fix her hair with a simple brushing, she grabbed a burgundy shirt, loose fitting dark pants, and clean undergarments and headed towards the bathroom for a sonic shower. The vibrations felt wonderful on her body and her hair was already beginning to feel more manageable. She wished to stay in the shower longer, but she didn’t wish to keep Kira waiting. </p><p>After changing and examining herself in the mirror, she made her way back out to the living room where her eyes instinctively drifted towards an unhung canvas leaning against the wall. She immediately tensed up, her jaw clenching and eyebrows furrowing. She resisted the urge to run a hand through her hair and took a deep breath instead.</p><p>“I’m going to have fun with Kira, <em> not </em> nurse another headache,” she told herself. She promptly left her quarters before her thoughts could catch up to her. The closer she went to the promenade, the better she felt. Soon her mind was back to thinking about her plans with Kira and she was smiling again. </p><p>She and Kira had been growing closer over the past few weeks. It was a welcome change from how they started and Ezri was ecstatic about the progress they were making. Like with many of Jadzia's friends, she and Kira started off on the wrong foot. Unlike Worf, it wasn’t coldness that drove a wedge between her and Kira, but rather warmth. It took years for Kira to fully open up to Jadzia and Ezri knew that Kira blamed herself for Jadzia’s death. After all, Jadzia had gone to the temple to thank the prophets for answering Kira’s prayer. </p><p>
  <em> The golden room was bathed in warm candlelight, making the cool blue light of the orb ark stand out prominently. She hadn’t even a chance to speak a word of what she had wanted to say before Dukat had come. She spoke his name and felt fiery pain spread through her entire body. </em>
</p><p>The symbiont lurched and Ezri closed her eyes as the memory continued.</p><p>
  <em> She crashed onto the floor, her lungs labored to breathe as she felt a dull pain throughout her entire body. She remembers hoping someone would find her as she drifted in and out of consciousness. Later she recalls hearing that she couldn’t be saved. She took it as well as she could, but when faced with the hand she’d been dealt, she found it hard to believe she would die.  </em>
</p><p>“<em> Life is full of the unexpected and it’s absolutely wonderful.. But the unexpected may also mean I may die whenever. And I’ve accepted it even though it’d be a terrible time to die right now. </em>”</p><p>Jadzia had known what it was like to have the symbiont removed from her. She had had it happen before. Ezri didn’t have any memories of Jadzia when she passed away, but she knew how lonely Jadzia had felt those years ago when Dax was stolen from her. It set such a deep fear in Ezri’s stomach. That she too would die feeling alone, and incomplete.</p><p>Her ears were ringing and she felt the station spinning around her. It reminded her of Torias. His eyes closing before the fire consumed him. </p><p>
  <em> I’ve barely lived. Have my eyes been closed this entire time only for me to open them now and realize what a mistake I’ve made? Nilani… Am I dying? I’m going to be sick. </em>
</p><p>The ground beneath her seemed to shake and it sent shivers down her spine. When she opened her eyes, she was dazed to discover she was on the sparsely populated Promenade rather than a shuttlecraft. </p><p>“Ezri?” spoke a figure to her right. She could barely hear it. She glanced up at Kira and began to gag. Kira coaxed her up and towards a garbage receptacle near the replimat. She breathed deeply to ease down the queasiness and to her relief, it worked. The ringing in her ears gradually faded</p><p>“Are you okay? What happened?” Kira asked when her breathing calmed.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I… I think I had a panic attack.” Kira’s eyes widened and she pulled a chair for her. Ezri sat down heavily, giving Kira a breathy thanks.</p><p>“Can I get you some water?” she asked. Ezri nodded and gulped the cool water when it was given to her. She closed her eyes briefly, testing if she was still dizzy. A little bit. She opened her eyes and noticed Kira was wearing a familiar dress. Jadzia had helped her pick it out for a date with Shakaar. </p><p>It looked good on her, then again, red always did. </p><p>“I like your dress,” Ezri said shakily. Kira shot her a look of concern. “Sorry, I just thought I’d try and lighten things up.”</p><p>“You Dax hosts like to use humor to distract from things, don’t you?” she asked wryly. Ezri sighed.</p><p>“That’s not really a Dax thing, it’s an Ezri thing… and a Jadzia thing.” Kira smiled at her response. “I’m going to be fine. I think I just need to eat a little bit.” After more insistence that she was fine, Kira relented and ordered for them both. Ezri was mildly delighted that there was a small moscow mule for her. She wouldn’t drink as much as she had wanted to given the queasiness, but the small glass was enough to get her going and ease the tension their outing had begun with. To Ezri’s luck, Kira seemed to relax quickly and they began to casually converse and exchange laughs a few times.</p><p>“I’m glad we’ve been spending more time together Ezri,” Kira said towards the end of dinner. </p><p>“I’m glad too N-Kira,” she said, catching herself. Ezri had Kira’ first name on the tip of her tongue lately. She chalked it down to Dax missing the dynamic they and Kira once had. To be fair, Ezri missed it too. Jadzia had managed to cross that threshold and call Kira by her first name but now she and Dax had to go back to square one. She knew that another Trill would have likely used their past life to branch the gap between lives but Ezri had spent so much time distinguishing herself from Jadzia that she refused to invoke Dax’s past host simply because it was convenient for her. Kira seemed to understand this as Ezri noted that Kira always noticed her stumble but never commented on it. </p><p>“Can I be honest with you?” Kira asked suddenly. </p><p>“Always,” Ezri said. </p><p>“I’d like to talk about Jadzia, if you’re comfortable with that.”</p><p>“I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be alright,” </p><p>“I… It takes me a lot to open up to people. It’s how I grew up…” Ezri nodded, remembering what she knew about Kira’s childhood, as well as relating to her plight. She too grew up shielding her emotions from her mother and her siblings. “When Jadzia… when she was killed, I felt betrayed. I had prayed to the prophets for Jadzia, but it was answered in such a terrible way.”</p><p>“What happened wasn’t the prophet’s will,” Ezri argued. “The Pah-Wraiths and Dukat did that.” Kira nodded.</p><p>“Yes, I know that now. But for a long time, I could only see that what I had done caused her death… and it affected my relationship with you.” Kira met Ezri’s stunned gaze. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to seek you out Ezri… I wasn’t ready, but I am now.” Kira’s voice was firm, but her expression was pleading. </p><p>“It’s okay,” Ezri said. “It’s okay.” She didn’t know if she was comforting herself or Kira in that moment, but perhaps she had said it for them both. “I’m just glad we’re here now.” She let her hand rest on the table and was surprised to see Kira’s own encircling it. Kira squeezed Ezri’s hand tightly, and then lightened her grip to the point Ezri could hardly feel its presence.</p><p>They drank one more round of raktajinos after that. It had seemed like a long night, to the point Ezri was surprised when the computer told them it was only 23:00hrs. Three more hours left in the night. </p><p>“You wanna go back to my quarters?” Ezri offered as the lights at the replimat began to dim. Kira shrugged.</p><p>“If it’s fine with you.” They stood up together and held onto one another laughing as they stumbled to the habitat ring. Ezri noted Kira smelled of prayer candles and a light flowery scent. </p><p>“Computer, lights on,” Ezri said laughing after Kira had told her something Quark told Odo the other day. The lights came on, dimmed automatically due to the hour. Ezri made her way to the couch and sighed as she kicked off her shoes. When she noticed Kira still standing in the doorway, she waved her hand.</p><p>“You can come in, feel free to take your shoes off if you want.” At Kira’s continued silence, she turned around. </p><p>“That looks like the Monastery of the Kai,” was all Kira said, her gaze sober. Ezri followed her eyes and realized what she was referring to. She found herself growing sober too. </p><p>“Good,” was all Ezri said.</p><p>“Good?” Kira asked, walking into the room. She sat herself next to Ezri but kept looking at the unhung painting that leaned against the wall.</p><p>“Do you want it?” Ezri asked quickly. Kira raised her eyebrows.</p><p>“You seem eager to have me take it.” Ezri sighed.</p><p>“Sorry. I just… Norvo sent me that.”</p><p>“Norvo,” Kira repeated, recognition dawning on her. Ezri was still stricken by her brother’s actions. Ashamed that she would let something like this happen. She wished she could undo it all for him, get him offworld. Stand up to her mother. Ezri hadn’t spoken to her since leaving New Sydney and she didn’t know if she could anytime soon. </p><p>“Norvo sent me the painting this afternoon,” Ezri’s voice wavered as she blinked away tears. “I can’t look at it for too long or else I get… like this,” she said, taking a deep breath. Kira’s hand rested on the small of her back. Kira didn’t respond immediately, Ezri knew it was because she was thinking of just the right thing to say. After a while, Kira spoke.</p><p>“I think I understand how you feel. It’s not the same, but I still have Ziyal’s drawings in my room. At times I just stare at them and think about how many more she would have made if she were still alive, how much she would have improved by going to school to refine her skills.” </p><p>There was so much Ezri wanted to say in response. Some of it stemmed from anger and trying to find someone to blame, but much of it was rooted in grief. In the end she sat in silence, fixated on her thoughts of Norvo and Ziyal, two gentle people who suffered more than they should have.</p><p>“From my time in the resistance, I’ve learned that after a time you have to stop blaming yourself for things.” </p><p>“Yeah, they teach you that at Starfleet Medical too,” Ezri joked half-heartedly before her gaze turned somber once more. “What they don’t teach you is how to respond to letters like these,” Ezri said, grabbing a folded up paper that had been discarded on the floor before she napped the afternoon away. It had come alongside the painting and had been the final nail on the coffin for Ezri’s composure. </p><p>Knowing Kira could not read Trill, Ezri read it aloud. </p><p>
  <em> “Dear Zee, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m made to see a counselor every week as part of my sentence, and recently he’s suggested I take up writing to get the words out. I’m not much of a writer but I’m even less of a speaker so I suppose I’ll try this out. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Being imprisoned is an interesting experience. Things are very calm here. I’m less nervous. Is it wrong to feel that way? I’ve felt terrible ever since doing what I did, but being here has given me time to think about it in a way that isn’t me worrying about getting caught. It’s also given me time to look towards art again. I doubt I’ll get into the Andorian Institute now as they probably don’t let felons in, but I’m doing art again. I’m doing art again because I like it, which is something I never thought I’d feel again.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Also, Mom and Janel visited me the other day. They couldn’t stop crying. I started sending them letters, but mother won’t respond. I think she’s still processing all of what happened. Janel says as much in his responses. Anyways I’m writing to you now to see how you are. I hope you’re well.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Love you, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Your little brother Norvo </em>
</p><p>
  <em> P.S.  </em>
</p><p><em> I hope you like the painting. I know it doesn’t undo what I did, but maybe this will let you know how much I’ve changed in a way words can’t. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>When she finished reading the post-script, both of their eyes looked towards Norvo’s painting. It was a landscape of a green jungle at dawn, with stones that had Bajoran letters engraved. In the foreground, there were purple flowers and a stream that became a waterfall in the background. Disrupting the flow of the water were stepping stones. The way the light shone in the painting was so vivid and serene. It was nothing like the paintings Norvo had done before. Norvo’s old paintings had presented landscapes to marvel and consider, but this one seemed to breathe life. He was no longer holding back.</p><p>“You know, there’s an etching on the back,” Ezri said. Kira turned to her expectantly. “I’ve only ever read of Bajor. How does it compare?” Kira looked at Ezri and then at the painting once more.</p><p>“It looks just like it,” Kira admitted. Ezri let out a breath of amusement.</p><p>“Well, I can write that at least.”  Kira grew pensive once more. </p><p>“Does artistry run in the family? You could always paint something in reply,” she suggested. </p><p>“I’m flattered you think I have an ounce of talent,” Ezri replied. She gestured towards the starships above them. “All of these starships above us were basically paint-by-number… though I sometimes wonder if I explored art as a child if I would have found some kind of prowess.” Kira nodded.</p><p>“I understand. Do you remember when the poet Akorem Laan came through the wormhole and told everyone to go back to their caste occupations? My family was Ih’valla caste, meaning we were artists and sculptors. I was never taught my family’s trade due to the Occupation, but it makes you wonder, if I wasn’t busy being trained to hold rifles and grenades, would I have been a master potter?”</p><p>“I could see it,” Ezri offered. Kira shot her a look. “What? You have great hands,” Ezri said before she could even think about it. They both burst into laughter. “You know what I meant when I said that,” Ezri wailed between laughs. Kira nodded.</p><p>“Sure, sure,” she teased good naturedly. “Well, Ezri. If you think I have great hands, then maybe <em> you’re </em> a master painter waiting in disguise.” Ezri rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Alright, alright. I’ll see if I can paint something for my brother sometime… but we should take a class together.” Nothing she’d ever paint would ever be comparable to Norvo’s work, but she still wanted to send him something she wouldn’t die at the thought of him hanging up in his cell. Kira scoffed at Ezri’s suggestion. </p><p>“Ezri, I was the worst finger painter at the 4 year old level. That’s who you’d be signing up to classes with.”</p><p>“Well, maybe we can be bad at art together!” Kira grinned playfully.</p><p>“I’d like that Ezri…. You know? Why don’t we try right now?”</p><p>“Right now?” Ezri asked bewildered.</p><p>“Right now. Think of it as a warm up.”</p><p>Perhaps it was the moscow mules and raktajinos, but Ezri and Kira began to gather materials to paint with excitement. They laughed into the early morning as they experimented with colors on their canvases without a care for Ezri’s neighbors hearing them. </p><p>They woke up in Ezri’s living room hungover the following afternoon with two odd looking paintings hanging beside Norvo’s. Initial panic set in when they thought they had overslept for duty. Surprisingly however, Kira and Ezri found that their shifts were scheduled for the late afternoon instead of the morning.</p><p> What they didn’t know is that a certain Captain caught word of their antics from multiple people that morning and did them a favor. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I swear that this chapter was more lighthearted in the first draft. But Kira and Ezri have so much in common it kills me and I had to dig into it. </p><p>Also I’ve been noticing how much Ezri sleeps in this fic. Then again, everyone on DS9 is chronically tired so I’m just being realistic &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Mementos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ezri understood the importance of recognizing the truth. Being in denial wouldn’t get her anywhere, but the complacency it provided was comfortable. She had avoided it for a while, but now she faced the truth that befell her.</p><p>Her closet was a mess and she needed to clean it. </p><p>A large part of the mess was that she never finished unpacking, but another reason was that she was bad at organizing. If not for the fact she shared quarters with someone aboard the Destiny, she was sure her closet there would have been in a similar state. </p><p>Her mother, not one to mince words, once called her “a bit of a slob.” She gave Ezri an ironing board as a going-away gift because she didn’t want her to wear a wrinkled uniform. Ezri accepted the gift with as much graciousness as she could foster and made an effort to either replicate her uniform or hang it instead of tossing it somewhere like she had in the past.</p><p>Ezri sighed in front of her closet as she contemplated how she would reorganize. She knew she wanted to separate her off-duty and on-duty clothing from one another, but she didn’t know if she wanted to sort the off-duty by color, or by season. Organizing by color would emphasize how she practically only wore muted plain clothing, but seasonal would reveal she didn’t go planetside as much as she probably should. </p><p><em> “Why not do both? First by color and then season,” </em>suggested Tobin.</p><p>“Good idea. Sort by color then by season… We’ve got this,” she told herself, wanting to believe it. “Just have got to take one step forward… give me your energy, Dax.” She moved one foot forward and then the other. </p><p>As she reached the entrance of the closet, her boot hit a box. She sighed. She’d have to move the stuff on the floor before she could comfortably organize her clothing. </p><p>“Or I could just,” she said, wading inside. “Yeah, this is good… a bit stuffy, but good.” At least she wasn’t claustrophobic. Committing to the project, she began by placing the uniforms on the right side. It was simple work, but shifting the heavy uniforms to the other side of the closet while trying not to fall made it challenging. It took a while, but she was satisfied once she was done with the first part of her task.</p><p>“Alright, time to take a break,” she told herself, stepping out. She took a step backward, not realizing that she was on unstable footing until she had put too much weight on her rear leg. In an effort to catch herself, she reached forward and gripped the closet rod, not expecting half of it to break off. </p><p><em> Just my luck, </em>Ezri thought as she and the clothes she had just finished organizing were sent crashing down. Her yell quickly turned into a loud grunt as she landed on some boxes with a significant thud. </p><p>“I bet my downstairs neighbor heard that,” she huffed. </p><p>Ezri was sure she was going to bruise from the way she landed, but she couldn’t get herself to move except to throw the boxes aside. The floor of the closet felt cool on her cheek and she found herself relaxing under the weight of the clothing as if she was in bed with a weighted blanket. </p><p>She outstretched her hand to feel the rod and confirmed she would have to generate a new one. If she hurried now, she could probably salvage the piles of clothes before they got wrinkled but she didn’t feel like it. She had an ironing board after all.</p><p>Ezri wondered why she had such rotten luck for this to happen, but she knew it wasn’t luck at all. Half a year ago, Jadzia and Worf were up to no good doing Dax knows what, and Ezri and the closet rod paid the price. </p><p>“Sisko to Dax.” </p><p>Or maybe Ezri really did have rotten luck. </p><p>“Dax here. What is it Ben?” she asked, shoving her clothes aside. </p><p>“I was in my quarters just now when I remembered that I didn’t get to check-in with you during last week's senior officer meeting. Are you free right now?”</p><p>“Now?”</p><p>“Yes, I wanted to talk to you about something.”</p><p>“That doesn’t sound good,” she said. She heard him huff in amusement.</p><p>“It’s not anything bad, Old Friend.” Ezri smiled at the nickname. </p><p>“Alright, you can come over. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Just so you know, I’m in the middle of cleaning so things are a bit…. Strewn about,” she said lifting up a shoe. </p><p>She crawled out of the closet and looked at the resulting mess. Intimidated, she layed on the couch and waited for Ben to come, knowing he wouldn’t judge her too harshly. </p><p>The door slid open a few minutes later. After a moment's silence he spoke.</p><p>“Ezri?” he called out in confusion. His voice wasn’t directed towards her but rather towards the closet.</p><p>“Over here,” she said from the couch. He startled and turned towards her, grinning.</p><p>“So what have you been up to?” he asked pointedly.</p><p>“Spring cleaning,” she replied with a smirk. </p><p>“Really? Looks like a hurricane hit, and I do know a thing or two about hurricanes.”</p><p>“For that you can help me clean up,” she said, kicking her feet up and off the couch. She righted herself and walked towards the replicator, inputting the schematics for a closet rod. When she turned to face him, she noted the fake look of contempt he had on his face. The kind that said: I’m your superior officer, you can’t boss me around. In response she raised her brows to convey that she knew this but wouldn’t back down. “We can talk while we work, if you’re serious about it not being anything bad.” Ben walked towards her. </p><p>“I was being serious, I just wanted to talk about how things have been for you and the rest of the counselors.” She hummed in acknowledgement as she began to shove boxes outside of her closet, at times throwing them. </p><p>“Nothing important in those?”</p><p>“If it’s in my closet, probably not.” Once she cleared a sufficient amount of space, she and Benjamin stepped inside. There were still quite a bit of things on the ground but nothing she could imagine tripping over. </p><p>“Alright you hold it steady while I unscrew the bolts,” Benjamin ordered.</p><p>“Yes sir,” she teased. Benjamin made use of a screwdriver as he unwound the screws to remove what remained of the rod. </p><p>“I wanted to talk to you about your position as counselor aboard the station,” Ben began. She looked at him expectantly. “Mainly to check in and see if you have any concerns.” As he screwed in the rod she thought. </p><p>“Not really,” she replied, having a feeling he wanted her to elaborate. “It’s always busy but that’s to be expected,” she added, while shrugging.</p><p>“Keep it steady,” he chastised lightly.</p><p>“Sorry Ben,” she smiled.</p><p> “Busy seems like an understatement. I know you’ve been renting out the holodeck to run the emergency counselling program to account for the lack of counselors here… ”</p><p>“Well now that you mention that, I suppose busy <em> is </em> an understatement,” she admitted.</p><p>“There’s also something Starfleet Medical wanted me to ask you.” </p><p>“Starfleet Medical?” Ezri asked in surprise. Ben finished and they both stepped back to marvel at the new closet rod. It wasn’t anything fancy but it did the job. </p><p>“Yes. It all started when I asked if they could spare us another counselor. The head of Medical asked me about you and I told him you were serving well as our main counselor. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he told me that they were considering waving off the rest of training for junior counselors to send them off to the frontlines like we did with you.” Ezri’s lips parted, taking that in. “I told him we should get your input before he decides anything… So do you have anything you want to add to the conversation?” She let out an amused breath. It was a loaded question, one she could probably write an entire dissertation on. “I’m guessing that’s a yes?” he asked, his expression amused.</p><p>“You want me to be honest?” she asked.</p><p>“Always, Old Friend.” She sighed.</p><p>“I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she admitted. </p><p>“You won’t,” he assured. Her eyes drifted towards the ceiling and she smiled.</p><p>“I think it’s a terrible idea--I understand the need, don’t get me wrong-- but we need counselors with experience. Sending people who still need more hours shouldn’t be handling people on the frontlines.”</p><p>“Are you including yourself in that?” Benjamin asked. </p><p>“Yes and no,” she admitted. “I think I was in no position to be given a promotion and assignment to Deep Space Nine. And I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating manner. Even though I completed most of my training, it was still jarring to be suddenly presented with multiple people dealing with shock and trauma… While training can never prepare you for the real thing and experience brings mastery… I don’t think it’s fair to put more people in the situation I was put in.” Benjamin nodded solemnly. “But,” Ezri added. “I don’t regret accepting this position. I was excited to be back here and it really helped me figure out my identity… I know I probably began as a replacement for Jadzia but--”</p><p>“You’re not a replacement Ezri,” Benjamin said. “In fact, you’ve made quite your own mark on this station.”</p><p>“That’s good to hear,” she replied skeptically. She began to hang up some of her clothing while Benjamin began to shuffle through and put clothing that had slipped off onto hangers.</p><p>“I’m serious, Old Friend,” he said. She simply smiled and went back to avoiding eye contact. She knew he meant it, and in some ways she knew it was true, but it was a bit hard to believe it sometimes. Especially when there were still things holding her back from really feeling independent from Dax’s legacy. Namely some<em> one </em> and what she had yet to give him. </p><p>“Aha! Evidence!” Benjamin exclaimed. Ezri jumped in alarm. He held up the Niners uniform for her to look at. </p><p>“Huh, I didn’t know I still had that.”</p><p>"Well you'd better keep it around, never know when we'll have another team exercise." Ezri rolled her eyes goodnaturedly. </p><p>“Well, now that you’ve decided to care more about having fun than winning. Curzon always thought you were a sore loser,” she added as an afterthought.</p><p>“We won’t know if it will last until we have another game.” They exchanged a laugh. </p><p>The baseball team had been an interesting experience but a rewarding one. It had been a great experience to bond more with the rest of the senior staff and made her realize how integrated she had become. She could joke without them looking at her as if she was a ghost. </p><p>"Ah and look, these are the shoes you wore when we did that holosuite casino simulation," Ben said, holding up the heels.</p><p>"Ah yeah," Ezri said. "I recycled the costume because it took up too much space but thought the heels would be nice to keep around." Ben smiled at her. It made her feel a bit bad, knowing he was trying to reassure her. She decided to tell him as much and saw how his face grew solemn once more. </p><p>"Has this been something that has bothered you a lot Ezri?" </p><p>“Not always. It’s gotten better over time. It’s just harder to make your presence and impact known in one year than it is to do it in six. Even if this year has been crazier than all the past ones.”</p><p>"Well let's keep digging in this closet of yours and see if we can find any skeletons to remind you of what you’ve done here." </p><p>"I haven't killed anyone, Benjamin." Though she had been close at one point. </p><p>"It's an expression Old Friend," he said. He continued to help her sort it all out, memories being excavated and explained in a perspective she wouldn’t have considered on her own. He’d remind her of when she wore certain things or how she’d spilled a drink on someone. For all that Dax could help her remember, Ezri tended to overlook the smaller things. Benjamin however had plenty of stories to tell her, not about Jadzia or Curzon, but things he had seen Ezri do. </p><p>“Remember when you helped me find the orb of the Emissary?” he prompted. She did. It was funny how she had gone all the way to Louisiana to get Ben’s help but she managed to help him out too. “I was going to dig around the desert wildly if you hadn’t come.”</p><p>“It was a lucky throw of a baseball, Ben,” she said. She had recalled how oddly Ben acted, as if he was in some sort of trance. Considering the state she herself was in back then, the fact she could call him odd was pretty loaded. </p><p>“You call it lucky, but the prophets planned for it,” he told her. “If you weren’t there I would have destroyed the orb without ever looking inside”</p><p>“You still haven’t told me what you saw.” Ben grinned at her.</p><p>“Not yet, Old Friend. Be patient, I’ll tell you after this whole thing finishes.”</p><p>“Alright, alright.”</p><p>They dug a little more and he pulled out a now cracked exographic targeting sensor, the one she had worn when using the TR-116 rifle to apprehend Chu’lak. It left a bitter taste in her mouth.</p><p>“Benjamin, I know what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate it. I just feel as if out of all the things I’ve done aboard this station, so much of it hasn’t even been counselling… At the Siege of AR 558, it was Dax’s engineering skills that helped us. When Nog needed counselling, he turned to Vic, not me, to deal with his problems… I told you about the Breen-Dominion alliance, but what have I done that makes me worthy of the title of counselor, Ben?”</p><p>It felt like a pressure was off her chest as soon as she admitted that, but having her deepest insecurity exposed still felt awful. Luckily, Ben didn’t let her words sink in for too long.</p><p>“When I asked you to serve as counselor here, I wanted to boost morale. There were no counselors here, Ezri. The one we had before left years ago. You accepted this spot here and I believe you grew into it. Remember when you first got here and no one believed you were a counselor? No one would doubt you now! You spend hours of your day actively listening to others tell you the horrors they have witnessed. Your presence helps them and there is no doubt about that.  I’m not even one of your patients but your presence helps me, Old Friend! Your presence has meant something to all of the senior staff here, even the ones who didn’t welcome you at first.” She nodded slowly, realizing the truth of what he was saying. “You care more about the people on this station than anyone’s been used to in a long time… You have offered us yourself and we offer you our friendship Ezri. So tell me, what’s been holding you back?”</p><p>“It’s not so much what’s holding me back as much as <em> who. </em>”</p><p>“Worf?” Benjamin guessed. </p><p>“Jadzia asked me to give something to him.” Ezri grabbed the item and gave it to Benjamin, who held it gently, with a glint of something in his eye. “I found it in a vase awhile back but I haven’t had the courage to give it to him.”</p><p>“I can imagine why.” Ezri nodded. He handed it back to her and she placed it back inside the vase.</p><p>“When I first found it, I had so many excuses to avoid giving it to him. I was busy, he was grieving, frankly we both didn’t want to talk to each other. When we were both captured by the Breen though, we were forced to confront one another.” Ezri smiled to herself. “He said he’d be my friend.”</p><p>“Has he followed through on it?” Ezri rolled her eyes.</p><p>“As much as Worf can follow through on something like that. He told Martok to let me back in his family, and for the most part we say hi to each other when we pass by on the Promenade.”<br/>“You want me to talk to him?” Ben asked in mock-sternness. Ezri hit him on the shoulder playfully. He laughed and it felt like sunshine. There was nothing like Ben Sisko cracking a joke to make you feel better. </p><p>Truthfully, the best thing that Dax had given her was a friendship with Ben. She had seen him grow as a person, experienced him from different angles and moods. She was glad to have someone who knew her and loved her, and who she felt had known her for so long even though they’d known one another for so short a time. Someone who would always welcome her, and she hoped would be her friend for a long time to come. </p><p>“Thanks, Ben,” Ezri smiled. “For helping me clean up and for reminding me of things.”</p><p>“That’s what I like to see, you smiling,” he said. </p><p>“You know what would make me smile even more?”</p><p>“What?” he asked amusedly.</p><p>“Some of your homemade cooking.” Benjamin burst out into laughter.</p><p>“Lucky for you, I was planning on inviting Jake over for dinner, ingredients are all prepped, I just need to cook them.”</p><p>“What are you making?”</p><p>“You mean, what are <em> we </em> making?”</p><p>“Benjamin,” she whined.</p><p>“Ah ah ah!” he chastised. “We’re making food <em> and </em> memories and that’s an order.”</p><p>“Yes sir,” she said. As they exited her quarters she looked back at her room, focusing on the vase. She knew she had to deal with what was inside of it soon, but for now she would make memories.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Friendship</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Spoilers for What You Leave Behind</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The Dominion War was now over. It had taken two years, but the battle between the quadrants came to an end inside of a crowded conference room. Five names were signed on the Treaty of Bajor, virtually nothing in comparison to the millions of names on the casualty list it took to bring those handful of people to declare ceasefire. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jadzia’s name was on that list somewhere, towards the middle or the bottom, Ezri wasn’t so sure. Benjamin’s name would be on that list too, though perhaps he didn’t belong there. Kasidy told them he had gone with the Prophets and Ezri believed her. The Bajoran people would believe her too once they knew. Starfleet on the other hand would likely dismiss it. To the Federation, Benjamin Sisko would become part of history. In the hearts of Bajorans he’d exist in legend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezri thought of Jadzia and Benjamin a lot in the days that passed. She had plenty of time now that a large portion of her clientele sought a new start off-station. Ezri found it funny; so many people were leaving Deep Space Nine to find a new home, while she just finished settling in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As a result of her increased free time, Ezri took to wandering the station. She’d start in ops to visit Nerys, her eyes often glancing towards Benjamin’s well-worn baseball. They would talk before Ops got too busy which is when Ezri would make her exit. On her way to the turbolift she’d drift her fingers along Jadzia’s console, knowing it wouldn’t respond to her touch. Afterwards, she’d say hello to Julian who always welcomed her. He’d been especially receptive lately which she attributed to Garak and Miles arranging their departure from the station. Finally, she’d wander around the habitat ring in search of Jake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jake was taking his father’s disappearance as well as he could. Though he understood his father’s role as the Emissary and learned to accept it, it was still a lot to thrust upon a young man. Ezri was proud of Jake, and when she found him they would talk about anything and everything. Sometimes she’d mention Curzon’s memories of Ben knowing they’d make him smile. Other times, she’d use Jadzia’s memories to talk about how far Jake had come from the little boy she met all those years ago. Most times, it was just Ezri and Jake which occasionally meant counseling, but mostly it meant talking about small mundanities. They made a habit of doing this every evening on their way to spend time with Kasidy to prepare dinner together. Sometimes the dinner table sat three, but other times more. Every time however, there was always a seat left open for Ben. None of them knew if what Benjamin told Kasidy he meant literally, but they wanted him to know they were thinking about him, wherever he was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was after one of those dinners when Ezri headed towards the Promenade. Worf contacted her a week ago asking if she would like to spend time together the night before he left. She had agreed, knowing it would provide the pressure she needed to give him what she’d been reluctant to for a long time. Even though she’d had an entire week to think it over, she still hadn’t finalized how she’d present Worf with what Jadzia left him except for replicating a small box for it. That idea hadn’t even been hers, rather Jake and Kasidy suggested it. Ezri was conscious of the box’s presence in her trouser pocket as she walked around the Promenade. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She spotted Worf inside the Klingon restaurant. Ezri hadn’t ever set foot inside but she remembered the smell of krada legs and the sound of laughter that filled the place in another life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“This is the best Klingon food I’ve had outside of Qo’noS. You’ll love it, Worf,” Jadzia said. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I sincerely doubt it,” he said brusquely. She looked at him while he eyed the menu. As he glanced at the gagh, his expression changed. “However I will try,” he answered.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The memory was from Worf’s first week on Deep Space Nine. It was the first time Jadzia noticed how silly Worf could be. Ezri recalled the twinkle in his eyes as Jadzia laughed. Neither of them were in love back then, but they had an immediate connection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dismissing the memory, Ezri walked inside the restaurant and sat down across from Worf.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you doing Ezri?” Worf asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m alright. There was room at Kasidy’s dinner table, you know,” Ezri said.</span>
</p>
<p><span>“I was aware. However I heard they were making gumbo…” Worf’s eyes widened substantially. “They do not</span> <span>let me leave until I eat two bowls.” Ezri laughed.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>“You could always say gumbo gives you indigestion,” Ezri suggested playfully. Worf’s face soured. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Klingons do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not--</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Klingon’s don’t get indigestion, really?” she deadpanned. Worf looked around the restaurant, looking to see if anyone overheard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was going to say, Klingons do not lie about such things,” he said in a low whisper.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay then, why don’t you eat the two bowls of gumbo then?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know why,” he muttered. Ezri smirked, she did know. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure they wouldn’t be offended that you’re not a fan of roux’s texture, Worf,” she stage-whispered. He shot her a look that she shrugged off with an air of nonchalance. He sipped his firewine in lieu of a response. It was a brief yet comfortable silence. The conversation they just had was something she couldn’t imagine herself doing a few weeks ago. It took quite some time for them to get to this point where they could talk to each other without apprehension. They no longer hesitated mentioning Jadzia’s name or memories of hers. Worf knew she would never use Dax’s memories to hurt him, and Ezri knew he respected her and valued her as an individual.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ezri,” Worf began. “I wanted to tell you that-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>aqtu' mellota' je!” </span>
  </em>
  <span> sang a Klingon server. The few people in the restaurant began to slam their hands down on the table to mimic the song’s beat. Worf’s face took on an exasperated look as restaurant goers joined in for the iconic operatic piece. Ezri laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wanna wait it out or talk outside? Ezri asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“There is no rush, I--” A glass smashed near them as a friendly fight began. “Perhaps it is best that we leave.” Ezri nodded and they pushed in their chairs, avoiding becoming a part of the fight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They began to walk aimlessly around the Promenade. Ezri would glance at Worf every so often but he’d either look away or open his mouth before firmly closing it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s nervous</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jadzia supplied. Ezri agreed but thought better than to voice it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you like to go to Vic’s Lounge?” Worf asked eventually. Ezri blinked. She wasn’t expecting that, but then again, she had no idea what she </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>expecting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure,” she said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They walked into Quark’s, which was about as lively as the Klingon restaurant was before the operatics broke out. Ezri hadn’t been there since Odo, Worf, and Miles’ going away party two days ago. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello Ezri,” Quark greeted, intentionally ignoring Worf.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Counselor Dax and I will enter the holosuite,” Worf declared. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry Quark, he meant to ask,” Ezri interjected before the two men could bicker. Ezri dragged Worf towards the holosuite containing Vic’s Lounge. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s the point of asking if you don’t wait for an answer?” Quark yelled as the door shut behind them. Ezri and Worf exchanged amused looks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The smell of perfume wafted through the air as they walked into Vic’s Lounge. Simulated guests excitedly conversed as the pianist played a lively impromptu. Vic spotted them immediately and gestured to a table near the front. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good to see you two! Especially you Worf, I hear tonight’s your last on the station?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who told you?” Worf demanded at the same time Ezri answered yes. Vic simply grinned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well since it’s your last day, do you have a song you want to hear?” Worf hesitated, looking at Ezri. They all knew what he wanted to hear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Go ahead and play it Vic,” Ezri said. Vic looked at both of them, his eyes smiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You got it,” he said, turning away to go up stage. Worf stared at Ezri with an indecipherable look. Ezri shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You like it. I like it. Jadzia liked it. Why not?” After a moment, he nodded in agreement. The lively music became gradually slower before turning into the opening of “All the Way”</span>
  <em>
    <span>. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The string intro played and Worf closed his eyes. Ezri closed hers soon after, letting the melody take her away down memory lane. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>When somebody loves you</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It's no good unless he loves you...</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>All the way.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jadzia loved spontaneously. She fell for someone quick and fast, and Worf was no exception. One moment she was laughing with him and talking him through his infatuation with Grilka, and the next she was enraptured by him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And not a moment later, he loved me too.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no cosmic force or societal taboo to pull Jadzia and Worf apart. They were just two people who’d had their hearts broken before, but still bet their odds that the third time would be the charm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And it was.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They made quite a pair; a man so dead-set on tradition he couldn’t imagine living a life without it, and a woman who understood the rigidness tradition often demanded and rebelled against it. They’d both been surprised when they found themselves compromising with each other more than they had with anyone else. There were so many times they could have gone separate ways, let each other’s names become an additional wound from self-inflicted stubbornness. Instead they endured, and allowed themselves to need and want each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loving one another was one of the few joys they could have in the lean years they spent together. The situation with the Dominion was just beginning when they met, and the war practically began when they fell for one another. They didn’t know when the conflict would end, but they didn’t wait to get married. The despair around them didn’t stop them from thinking about after the war and making plans for the future.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>For a family.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Trill and Klingon children would be a challenge for Jadzia and Worf even with Dax’s lifetimes of parenthood. Fortunately, challenges were how Jadzia and Worf worked best. They challenged not only each other but also the obstacles they faced. Together they were an unstoppable force. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vic’s voice subsided as the strings took centerstage, building up then subsiding into a sentimental and familiar rhythm, one Jadzia and Worf danced to at their wedding. Ezri remembered it vividly. The red gowns they wore, Jadzia’s heart drumming loudly as they danced and the bloodwine they drank reaching her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vic sang into the microphone once more, Jadzia’s favorite lines beginning to be recited.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Come what may…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Who knows where the road will lead us</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Only a fool would say</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But if you let me love you</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s for sure I'm gonna love you</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>All the way.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They truly hadn’t known where the road would lead them, or perhaps more aptly, where it stopped, but despite the hardships, they loved one another,</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>All.. The ... Way…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The music quieted and turned into a mellow improv piece, meant to transition to another song eventually. Vic went off stage presumably to take a break, leaving Worf and Ezri with themselves once more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you for agreeing to spend time with me,” Worf said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course,” Ezri replied.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wanted to say goodbye to you… and her,” he admitted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand,” Ezri smiled. “Are you excited to go back to Qo’noS after such a long time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. I am looking forward to it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Will you visit?” Ezri asked casually. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will try to, though it will take some time to rid the Klingon High Council of corruption.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, with you and Martok in charge it looks like the Klingon Empire’s getting a second chance at life,” Ezri quipped. “You know you would have made a great Chancellor,” she added. Worf shifted uncomfortably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Perhaps. It was never my intention to seek chancellorship. I merely wished to restore honor to the council… and to myself.” A thoughtful silence came over them. Ezri reached into her pocket, resting her hand on the small box. She thought of all the ways she could go about giving it to him. Should she introduce it as a good luck charm? A gesture of good will? A final goodbye? All of them sounded good enough, but that was probably because they all had the word ‘good’ in them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you think that… Jadzia would have wanted me to go?” Worf asked suddenly. Ezri’s hand left her pocket immediately. She reached for his hand and took it in both of hers, shaking it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course she would, Worf. She knew how important this was to you. You’ve fought for so long to defend the values Klingons stand for, to the point of sacrificing your own name. Don’t think for a second she wouldn’t go to Qo’noS with you if she were still alive.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...It is not that I did not know the answer, but that I needed to hear it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand. I’m glad I could give you her answer,” she said. Worf took a deep breath and exhaled. Ezri laughed. “It seems like I lifted quite a weight off your shoulders. Was this the main reason for wanting to meet?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. I also wished to spend time with someone I consider a friend.” They were friends, just as Jadzia wanted them to be. “Will you come to see me off tomorrow?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Ezri said. She reached into her pocket, resting her hand on the box once more. She could use some liquid courage right about now, but the encouragement of her past lives was a good substitute.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Speaking of friends,” Ezri began. “I watched Jadzia’s will a while back. She told me many things, but most of what I took from it, was what she said indirectly. Like how she wanted us to be friends.” She pulled out the box and set it on the table. Worf’s eyes remained locked on hers. “She intended for this to be an olive branch, but I didn’t end up needing it.” Ezri’s voice shook with emotion. “But since you’re leaving, I think I’d regret it if I didn’t give it to you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With unwavering hands, Worf opened the box. The silver hair clip shone brilliantly in the lounge light. Ezri remembered what Jadzia had told her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a spare hair clip. I assume I’ll be buried or sent off into space in the one I die wearing. Worf won’t tell you himself but he’s a sentimentalist. I think he’d like it. Maybe use it himself...”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezri lifted her eyes to look at him. She felt a chill as his expression became unreadable. It was hard to tell if it was his normal aloofness or something more. Jadzia’s memories could only help her so much in deciphering him. He suddenly stood up from his chair and walked away. Ezri froze as she was left seated at the table, the lustrous clip still exposed to the soft light.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She stared at it for a long time afterwards. She didn’t know which one of her hosts gave her the strength, but she eventually managed to close the box and stuff it into her pocket once more. Part of her was incredibly hurt, but the other part knew it wasn’t anything personal. It had probably been too much for Worf to see something so quintessentially Jadzia. Ezri knew the feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was that second, more rational side of her that gave her the strength to go to Martok’s quarters. She rang his chime and he answered immediately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ezri,” he answered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Will you give this to Worf tomorrow morning before you both leave?” She hated how her voice wavered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you not coming to send us off tomorrow?” he asked disappointedly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was.” She thought about how she told Worf she wouldn’t miss it for the world and then added, “...Maybe I still am. Could you just give this to him please?” She handed Martok the small box and he enveloped it in his large hands. “I don’t want him to leave it behind,” she explained. She hated the possibility that Worf would end up wanting the hair clip but be too afraid to ask for it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To her gratefulness, Martok simply nodded and bade her a good night. She gave him a tight hug before she left for her quarters.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezri couldn’t sleep at all that night; “All the Way” was stuck in her head for hours until the early morning when sleep finally got the better of her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She woke up a few hours later without much energy to do anything. Aware Worf and Martok would be departing in an hour, she dressed slowly. When she finished, she stared at the viewport, at her reflection and her mind wandered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wondered if Martok had given the clip to Worf already. The answer was probably. She also wondered if Worf would com her to let her know, but she knew Worf enough to know he’d feel too awful to say anything. He’d probably think it was best to leave without saying anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We should go, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ezri heard Jadzia prompt. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not for me, but for you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezri sighed but Jadzia continued.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Just go up to the walkway overlooking the airlock. If he looks back as he leaves, he’s thinking about you. And if does, then he’ll see you, and he won’t have to hesitate. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Jadzia was speaking from experience, she parted with Lenara in the same way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And if he doesn’t turn back?” Ezri asked aloud.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Then there’s no regrets, right?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That statement was all Ezri needed. She walked to the Promenade, feeling a sense of calm as Jadzia’s presence took over and gave her the strength to walk up the stairs to the Promenade’s upper walkway. Ezri held her fingers tightly as she watched the crowd below. From the side of the Promenade she saw Martok and Worf. With a friendly nudge, Martok went ahead of Worf into the airlock. She saw Worf linger by the entrance, taking in the view of the Promenade around him. Just as he was beginning to turn away, he glanced up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezri’s heart jolted as their eyes met. Her lips parted before correcting her surprise into a small smile. She raised her hand in goodbye before she lowered it once more. He smiled briefly at her, barely visible. </span>
  <span>She felt a sense of deja vu deep within her. Like Lenara, Worf was leaving her behind. She stood where Jadzia had back then, up on the walkway to place a respectful distance between them so as not to hurt them both. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’d like to think that she was more prepared than Jadzia at this moment, as she had found peace in the fact she and Worf parted on mutual terms, knowing they both only felt friendship for one another. And so as Worf looked at her, she felt some kind of understanding as he lowered his gaze and turned around. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was beginning to turn away herself when she found herself pivoting back, her eyes fixated onto the back of Worf’s head. Where his hair was tied was Jadzia’s clip holding it together. Ezri felt her heart soar and what little restraint she had left disappeared as her lips quivered with the onset of tears. She was glad Worf didn’t turn around to see her as the doors closed and the glimmering hair clip left her sight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She felt Dax’s past lives culminating together in this moment, radiating strength, love, peace, and hope. But there was one emotion that emanated above all, one that originated from Ezri herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was pride.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you’d like to know, the idea of this fic came to me about a year ago when I was rewatching the final part of “What You Left Behind” where Ezri said goodbye to Worf. When he turned away, I found myself focusing on his hair tie and thought how fitting it would have been to have him wear Jadzia’s hair clip. I began to wonder where it could be, as I assume she had a few of them, and thought that perhaps Ezri might know. What began as a small fix-it one-shot slowly became me thinking about ways to have Ezri connect with the other people on Deep Space Nine! It’s been a hard fic to write, especially the final chapter “Friendship” aka “Hair Clip”, but I’m happy it’s now complete. </p>
<p>If you’re reading this, I’m incredibly thankful for your readership. I hope you enjoyed my fic and got something out of it &lt;3</p>
<p>Live Long and Prosper.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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